I would have won by now if I was playing it with hospital departments as I mentioned to a friend of mine the other day.
Another one was crossed off last week, Rheumatology. I’ve been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well as all the rest.
So the list.
Neurology, Rheumatology, Dermatology, Physiotherapy (MSK and Neuro), Urology, Speech and Language Therapy, Colorectal, Psychiatry (Liaison and psychotherapy), Opthalmology, Surgery (maxillofacial and gastro), Radiology, phlebotomy (vampires), general practice and emergency departments of course.
All within the past 10 years.
My body is failing me, it is just getting worse and worse, no respite. Some days I can barely move, walk, see, use my arms, you name it something is wrong ever day and you know what? I’m sick of it.
I try to be as positive as I can be, it’s the only way to survive when you have chronic degenerative conditions, but it’s so hard. Everyone has off days, I tell myself that when I can’t make myself move off the sofa to make myself a decent meal. I tell myself that when I am under a black cloud inundating my face with rivers of tears.
I have to joke about things, it’s a coping mechanism for all the manure that gets piled on my life. I joke about how many departments I’ve been under, joke about the problems I have to make light of them, I try to make anything that is going on have a silver lining.
But some days I just can’t do it.
The tablets I’m on mean I don’t plummet into the dark as badly as I did in the past, I’m relatively numb, but sometimes my body belies the emotions that are obviously still there. I will cry without feeling the sadness, I will rage at people without feeling the anger, feel sick and shaky even when I don’t feel the actual anxiety. It’s a strange way of being and I’m not sure I like it, but if they stop me from doing anything stupid and allow me to not do anything stupid then I guess they will be around for a while.
Today is not a good day, but the clouds will clear, I hang on to that thought, cling to it with my fingernails if necessary and wait for the sun to show its face.