The list grows longer

I believe that I (like everyone else) took my health for granted until things started to go wrong. Now the list seems to grow by the year, some are easy to cope with and others have changed my life forever in a way I could never have imagined before I began to have them.

At the moment the list comprises of, in ranking order at this time:

Multiple sclerosis

Borderline personality disorder/anxiety/depression

Migraines

Hidradenitis suppurativa

Restless leg syndrome

Adult Acne (possibly medication related)

Irritable bowel syndrome

Now the only one of these visible to the population at large is the Acne and as annoying as it is….and believe me it is annoying to have it come back in your late 20’s after getting rid of it….well it’s a minor irritation compared to the rest of the problems I face (no pun intended). People see it and often assume I am younger than I am, but this has been my lot since being a teenager so not much point in worrying about it.

For the other problems/disorders/conditions whatever you wish to describe them as, I wish I had a t’shirt with my little list on it for the people who see me limping and either assume I’m part of some hip hop street gang or have simply hurt my ankle. But also to make the world at large realise that just because on the outside I look ok, inside my body is a mess, my central nervous system is slowly being destroyed and something has happened to my psyche to make me hate myself more than the average person and feel physical pain linked to the emotional pain of every day life.

Every time there is a new addition to the list there is at the same time a blessed feeling of relief that I have not been going mad, I am not just a hypochondriac or slipping down the mental mountain into absolute insanity and yet a gut churning feeling of horror and self blame/doubt about it. Are they all my fault? have I been cursed? have I done something horrible I don’t remember that Karma is now paying me back for? I spent many hours in therapy debating this with my psych nurse and though I in the end let her believe she convinced me that was not the case…did she hell, I just got so upset about disappointing her and not getting anywhere it was easier on my mental state to pretend and finally be discharged.

I can’t help wondering at the moment and any time my mood get’s low…what’s next? Though I try not to focus on it too much it’s always in the back of my mind, a constant dread of yet another problem to deal with that there is no cure for.

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One thought on “The list grows longer

  1. I know how you feel. I sometimes feel like a hypochondriac (sorry spelling) and rarely tell people the extent of my medical problems. I also have BPD, IBS, restless leg syndrome, but I also have PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). All these initials! I feel bad when complaining about one thing, I feel as though I shouldn’t mention the rest!
    I also, like you, wonder if I am being punished for something. To be fair, the IBS is, i’m almost sure, due to laxative abuse in my teens, and the PCOS is probably hereditary.

    Keep smiling. xx

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