I’ve started this post three times now but I think my head is finally in a place to type and make some sense. It’s taken venting at the poor Avon lady on my door step, calling my mother and driving a 60 mile round trip but my head is finally a little clearer!
I was going to write about how I have had a very stressful week at work, I can’t go into details due to the position I hold but I still need to write about how I feel….that’s where the awkward part is so I think it will have to be about something else.
So….let’s go for another topic….People. They make us happy, impressed, comforted, they make us frustrated, sad, angry and every other emotion that a human can feel. I have always struggled with people as long as I can remember, with friendships that don’t last and most especially with trusting them. It’s normal to want to be liked isn’t it? but I always seemed to try too hard and ended up making people think I was a show off and as such struggled with friendships, still do. I find myself trying to change myself to be more like them, to be more ‘normal’ but it never works for long. I am still plagued by memories of childhood friendships that lasted a week at the most and then would be hated by them until they changed their minds again and I was back in the cliche. I know that these things should not bother me after 15-20 years but somehow they do, they live in a little corner of my brain that replays those moments whenever they are triggered, still as vivid as they were at the time and causing almost as much pain.
I seemed to finally jump this hurdle when I reached college. I went to a different one to say 95% of my school and as such felt able to ‘remake’ myself. I found people who were like me for the most part and although I did still get up to my old faults of trying to impress people by making myself more like them….it didn’t feel as fake and for those 2 years I was mostly happy. I must have done something right as I am still in contact with some of those people and one is still one of my closest friends who understands most of my problems and has many of them herself!
University came along and…well Scrathers (another blogger on here) along with a few other ladies on my course came into my life. People who I now class as extended family and I would hate to be without, we struggled through 3 years of brain melting science, stress, living together, living with others, family upheaval, relationship break ups and make ups and although we argued were always there for each other.
Our group has grown and shrank over the years, we’ve grown up, some of them have got married, some now have children, most of us have pets, houses to look after and Jobs to keep. We will all change over the years and it makes me sad to think that at some point we may lose touch but I cling onto the fact that we try, we try to see each other, meet up for coffee and to talk, have dinner together or for parties when we feel up to it. Something brought us together as those young almost care free students (mostly it was coffee, cigarettes and neuroscience) and I can only be thankful that it did.
The sad thing is that my trust and anxiety run so deep that there are even times that those I feel closest too are pushed away. I have never told them half of the problems I have encountered mentally over the years until quite recently and there are still an awful lot hidden that I am scared to admit to myself never mind to them but I am getting there. Eventually I will be at the point where People are not all to be feared, I will challenge those thoughts that make me so anxious and I will be able to trust them. Until then I ask those who know me to forgive the momentary lapses where the strange version of me emerges and I avoid their company through fear or say stupid things, you have so far and I thank you all for it from the bottom of my heart.