The cloud is hunkering over my mind….

I’ve been off the blog for a while, between working more hours than I really should do, doing crafts and trying to keep a relationship going….and I’m just making excuses. I’m terrible at things like this, always have been. Over the years I have tried to write diaries, journals whatever you want to call them and have never gone for more than a month or so without failing at it. I remember as a child I would love the idea of them and write everything down for all of a few days then slowly find myself tailing off until the lovely little book and it’s lock remained untouched until I went back to read what I had written and feel terrible about it.

I was determined that this would be different, that it would be a place for me to vent frustrations, anger etc but instead I just find myself becoming paranoid about the whole thing. I can’t write about my work due to the nature of it and it’s hard to write about the way my mind works as the idea of people judging me over it terrifies me. I’m tired, tired of hating myself and the way my mind works, of being scared of the world around me.

Paranoia is a bitchy toad, it squats in my mind taking hold of my entire way of thinking. The slightest mistake on my part and the toad  starts croaking at me, telling me how useless I am and coming up with the worst possible scenario which with a vivid imagination can be quite extravagantly horrifying. Just writing this is making my chest tighten, will I dare post it? Will anyone read it? Will they think I’m a whinging idiot who shouldn’t bother putting her thoughts out into the ether for others to see? Could someone from work see this, figure out it’s me and decide I’m too crazy to work there any more? My brain is diseased.

I have tried to think positively, to tell myself I’m not a failure but the toad is winning. I wish I could kill it off like the slugs in my garden, though I’m losing against them as well as they eat there way through my plants.

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5 thoughts on “The cloud is hunkering over my mind….

  1. I’m glad you posted this, it shows me I’m not alone with these thoughts.
    We all have toads, but sometimes, if we just try to nurture them, listen and let them speak – sometimes they become beautiful princesses and princes.
    And I’m sure I can see the glimmer of a crown on your toad’s head!
    You can do it, push past this fear, you have valuable words to speak.
    And we all want to hear.
    Try to be kind to yourself today, you deserve this too. ♡♡♡

    1. Thankyou for your kind words, it brought a tear to my eye to know that I’m not alone. I don’t know about letting the toad speak too much, it gets meaner the longer I let it talk and then I struggle to counter it’s arguments. I’ll try though it might mean getting back into therapy for help challenging it. xx

      1. Sounds like you have some big decisions to make.
        Sometimes I just write, let whatever is on my mind flow out, warts and all (just keeping the toad metaphor rolling!). Sometimes this softens the blows for me.
        And seeing someone for support, that sounds like a really good and nurturing move.
        You’re in my thoughts xox

  2. If you are worried about people from work seeing, why don’t you lock the post? I am always happy to listen and read, and you can trust me when I say I won’t judge you, I will tell you openly and honestly what I think – I have come to realise that people like us ‘need’ that sort of honesty to function. xxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Shows how new I am to this I didn’t realise you could lock posts! I’ll have to rummage around the settings and security options next time. It’s a hard thing to know you need the honesty when it can hurt so much! But the worry over whether people are being honest or not is worse than hearing something bad, at least for me anyway. Thankyou, it really helps to talk to other people in the same boat xxxxx

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