Well that’s the end of another relationship as of 2 am this morning. The strange thing is I don’t feel that bad about it! I had been mulling things over in my mind for a while now as to whether this was a good relationship for me to be in, whether I loved him, whether I was borderlining my way out of another relationship that I would look back on and really regret letting go. And the final answer? no it wasn’t a good relationship for me, no I didn’t love him and no it wasn’t the BPD causing problems it was just the guy.
Ok where to start on this one. We weren’t right for each other and if I’m truthful I think I knew this pretty early on, but was so unsure of myself, worried about upsetting him and feeling that tearing sensation in my chest when I lost him that I held on for far too long. On the positive side it has reminded me what I do actually want in a relationship…pretty much everything that was lacking from this one!
Now don’t get me wrong he’s a nice guy and I’m sure he will be great for someone just not for me. He loves animals and gets on well with most people, I thought he was quite nice looking though that’s never been a big thing in my choices, he’s great at DIY because he’s a trained carpenter, we had similar tastes in music and films…all looks great so far right?
BUT the list of negatives is far too long…
He has a temper and the things he’s told me he’s done when angry scare the shit out of me. He was in the army until he was injured on duty and the training never leaves you as I found out when he told me about some of his retaliations. That also meant there was no such thing as play-fighting…he could hurt me without trying so that went out the window very quickly.
There was no passion! To me that’s a big part of any relationship and it was severely lacking. I’m not just talking about sex (which was mundane and rare to say the least) but the feeling that he WANTED me! No being pulled into his arms, no hugs, no snuggling on the sofa, no kisses that took my breath away and no open emotions that would let me in. It should have twigged in my mind when I didn’t feel the need to dress up when I saw him, I didn’t keep up my appearance and felt no need to better myself for him even at the start. Cher was right on this one and I should have listened.
His family…well there’s a deal breaker if ever there was one! It was a rare week that one of them wasn’t in trouble with the police! His brother is a druggie of the highest order and a possible paranoid schizophrenic who won’t admit there is a problem and the rest of them…well I didn’t like being around them to say the least. All except his Nan who was lovely and the funniest 90year old you’d ever meet.
Racism…I hate it and all it’s forms. It only really reared it’s ugly head in the past couple of weeks but oh my when it did. I was disgusted! I couldn’t believe this man who talks to the shop owners and takeaway deliverers so politely could come out with some of the things he said when with his family. I walked away and couldn’t look at him the same way after that.
Diet..bah he wouldn’t eat a vegetable if his life depended on it and tended to live off take aways and bread….what kind of 30 something year old can’t even have veggies with his Sunday lunch? My ex that’s who! Oh it’s ridiculous I know but I enjoy food, cooking and eating it with people, not being able to do this with him was a real sore point! The weight I’ve put on since being with him is a testament to how much junk I ate whilst trying to spend time with him. Back to takeaways being a rarity in my household thankyou!
While I’m on houses….he never came round to mine unless he wanted something or was drunk. I always had to go to his even when I had been at work for so long I could barely move he guilt tripped me into coming round (something far too easily done with me) and then told me off for coming round when I was obviously ready to drop! When I got there…why did I bother? to watch shit TV sat on his sofa while he was on his computer chair because he couldn’t sit for long on the sofa as it hurt him too much. To have him sat playing on said computer while I was licked to death by his far too giddy dog (and puppies before they were sold). If I asked him round to mine..there was always an excuse, making me paranoid about the house and what was wrong with it.
Saying there was something wrong with my house/computer and he would sort it but that never happened….there’s something wrong with your door? I’ll fix it (never happened) the computer/router isn’t working properly? I’ll fix it (never happened) the aerial, the kitchen tap, the fence….the list goes on and on.
I became his personal taxi service and was very used to the phone call beginning with ‘M can I ask you a favour?’ Me being the people pleaser that I am virtually always said yes and the only times I didn’t was when I really couldn’t but the guilt! The horrible guilt I felt at having to say I couldn’t because I was working, or unsafe to drive, or wasn’t in the area. I was a carer at home and at work, when really a lot of the time I need one myself! He never reciprocated partly because I never asked but oh it get’s me annoyed to think I was being used.
He was always skint…now that in itself is not an issue, no one can help it if they run short of money….but when I’m having to lend him it? The final text last night was to say he would post it through my door tomorrow and he knew it was a lot (I won’t say how much on here as I feel stupid enough about it already) I have always been a saver, and as such have plenty in my accounts to cover anything unexpected, luckily I hid how much I have as I think if he knew he would have tried to take more.
No time for myself or my dog. Toby is my life and seeing him so uncomfortable in his house hurt me. Knowing that when the puppies were little or the cat was at home I couldn’t take him round with me annoyed me more than I can put in here. As for his comment ‘a couple of hours won’t hurt him’ after I’d been out at work most of the day when he wouldn’t leave his alone at all to come round to mine?! Oh but he would to go to the pub with his mates or his mum…it’s making me angry just to think about it!
I think that if at any point I regret my decision I can read this back and be reaffirmed in my decision.
This was the right thing to do.
It had nothing to do with BPD paranoia or worries of being close to someone.
I am better off single than being in a relationship that made me feel so bad, I just wish I had had the guts to end it sooner.