Kicking myself

I feel so stupid today, I booked an appointment with a GP who is very hard to get in with 2 weeks ago and it was this morning. I completely forgot about it! I woke up early thinking there was something I had to do but ignored the feeling and went back to sleep. By the time I woke up I had completely missed the appointment and I’ve just had to ring up the surgery and apologise, now I’m panicking, the anxiety is so high I can feel an attack coming on and can’t stop kicking myself over it. I was told a while ago that this surgery has a policy that if you miss more than two appointments they will ask you to leave and now I’m terrified that they will. It’s the best surgery in the area and the only one with enough doctors who I trust in it, it takes a lot for me to trust a surgery now after some bad experiences with useless GP’s and at least this one has plenty of different doctors who specialise in different things to cover all my problems.

I’m sat here shaking and don’t know what to do. Every ounce of me is telling me to ring them again and make sure that they aren’t going to kick me off their books, yet I’m too anxious to do it in case they think I’m an idiot for ringing twice in an hour or they say yes they want me to leave.

I hate myself at this moment, everything in the world is pointing to me being an idiot. I haven’t finished the work I need to do for my job, my ex still hasn’t paid back the money he owes me after he said he would last week and now won’t reply to messages so I think I will have to go round to his house and find out what’s going on and now this….why can’t I learn from my mistakes? Why do I make such stupid mistakes in the first place?? Why do I bother to keep trying to live a ‘normal’ life when really I’d be better off being a shut in with my dog like I was 2 years ago. I may not have been exactly happy at least I didn’t have so many things to juggle and could manage most of it.

All this crap is making my tension headaches unbearable this week, that’s why I didn’t sleep properly last night and the lack of sleep is not helping. I’m fed up of it all and don’t want to feel like this any more.

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3 thoughts on “Kicking myself

  1. You have no reason to feel like an idiot for sleeping through an appointment! The best of us have done it, and will do it again! I can understand why you are so anxious though, I’d be the same way if I knew there was a rule like that! I have a feeling if they were going to tell you to leave, they would have let you know over the phone when you called to apologize! I take it you didn’t try to reschedule your appointment when you called to apologize?

    I hope by the time you read this you’ve gotten over your panic and your brain has stopped lying to you about being an idiot! Your brain is the only one that thinks that, everyone else knows that mistakes happen and appointments get missed! Hope your Friday gets better!!

    1. Thankyou for that πŸ™‚ I know I would say the same to someone else, I just struggle to say it to myself! They didn’t ask my name when I rang and I did ask to rebook but he doesn’t have any appointments available to book in advance. I might try with one of the other doctors that apparently has an interest in mental health, she’s nice and I think she’ll be easier to get in with. Maybe this just wasn’t meant to be. πŸ™‚

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