I finally got in with the doctor I wanted to see today after having to get up before 7am to start ringing the surgery. I had been told he was interested in mental health problems so was my best bet at the surgery for getting help with my problems. Unfortunately as I’ve never seen him before the poor man was a little confused about my history and how to deal with me. He’s said that he will search out my old records and try to figure out what’s happened in the past and whether anyone actually diagnosed me properly with BPD.
Once he’s done that hopefully I can get some more help, I know I’ve had an official diagnosis of an Adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety but the BPD was more of a side note mentioned to me when I was being discharged from hospital after two months of inpatient assessment. I feel like I was being made out to be a liar, I’m sure he didn’t mean to but I left his office feeling like I had been making all of it up.
Unfortunately I had been heading to the supermarket to return a piece of clothing that was the wrong size and…well I had a bit of an impulse control issue…I’ve spent far too much money on clothes, then saw the DVD’s and CD’s and felt myself being dragged towards them, then the books….I’ve spent a fortune that I really don’t have this month as I have to pay my car insurance. Then home to eat a whole load of food that I really didn’t need to eat and now feel a little sick. Why when I feel like crap do I automatically turn to these things? I know that the feeling of relief I got never lasts long and now I’ve only got the deep feeling of guilt and self hatred for letting it happen and now resisting the urge to bite my fingers to shreds and dig my fingernails into my legs till they bleed.
I hate myself for being so weak even as I watch the DVD’s I bought.
The mood I’m in probably wasn’t helped by my ex texting me last night and asking if I was sure ‘hand on heart’ that we were over at midnight. Trying to be nice I said I was sure and that he wasn’t a c$%t as he put it that I just wasn’t happy at the end. He then tried to turn it round on me saying he ‘didn’t think he did not do his best’ as if I was just being too picky or difficult! That man would never allow me to be myself, I had to bring my own expectations lower, I couldn’t be eloquent as in his mind if I used words he didn’t understand (which was a lot of the English language) I was up my own arse. I do wonder if he would rather have heard that I hated being around him, that I felt trapped, controlled and unsatisfied?!
Ah well I’m going out for an early birthday meal with my parents tonight so I should really walk the dog, have a shower and try to make myself look respectable and less like the wreck I am.