It’s been a hell of a week! I’ve been working too much, in different places than I’m used to and it has wiped me out completely. When your work consists of looking after other people it’s hard to look after yourself too, after cooking a meal for others what energy do you have left or will to cook for that matter. When you spend most of the day cleaning up after others why on earth would I want to come home and do it there. So my house is a tip, my clothes are unironed sitting in a pile, I haven’t eaten a proper evening meal in too long, I haven’t been having showers often enough and I haven’t spent a full night in my own bed rather than falling asleep on the sofa and not moving for…well I don’t know how long.
I’m disappointed in myself after this week. I struggled at work when I should know what I’m doing, my manager asked me questions that I should have been able to answer but was so tired I completely blanked on the words and ended up just waving my hands in the air trying to catch them! I told them that I was the wrong person to ask and that I do things automatically but putting me on the spot expecting me to be able to reel off a Policy or list of things was a bad idea. What I didn’t say was that this is partly due to memory problems (thanks MonSter) and partly due to the anxiety of what will happen if I get it wrong (thanks BPD).
All week failures have built up until yesterday with the ultimate one of trying to drive somebody to an appointment and we got lost…not unexpected and not such a problem but when we got to where I think we should have been there was no one around and no way in! Oh I felt terrible and the rest of the day felt like such a dismal thunderstorm filled day that by night my own personal clouds were well established.
My poor Toby hasn’t had a nice long walk all week I just haven’t had the energy, he’s been so good but the look on his face as I’ve left him each time for work has broken my heart. We’re sat here at the moment watching ‘Challenge to Lassie’ a newer version of ‘Greyfriars Bobby’ and he’s been watching the dog in it run around on screen looking at me when it goes to adverts as if to ask where it’s gone. The story of such a loyal dog always makes me teary and today more than ever as I look at Toby and am thankful for every day we’ve had together.
The wait before I can ring back my GP about getting help with my mental state is stressing me out, I know it’s not far off now but everyday I wish it was already over. I think I may need to increase my antidepressants but with the Venlafaxine I don’t like doing it, it makes me feel grotty and I know that coming back off it will just be that much harder the higher the dose I’m on.
I wish I had something happier to post, I guess that the fact my garden is doing better will have to do. I have some tomatoes and strawberries coming through but I’m going out each night with a torch to remove the worst of the slugs and snails in order to keep my plants alive! My neighbours will probably thing I’m even more nuts than they already did as they see me pottering around at night in the garden with a handful of invertebrates and a torch in my mouth so I can see what I’m doing.