Now those of you that read this blog regularly will realise my family and I don’t always get on, we argue a lot and my sister and I are pretty much estranged.
Yesterday was a family gathering for my dad as it was his birthday earlier this week. Before the snot monster attacked, my plan was to see him on his birthday and go up to their caravan this weekend for some time away, well that plan went out the window so I felt obligated to join in the family gathering instead.
I was dreading it, seeing my mum and dad wasn’t a problem, my brother his wife and mother in law…not an issue either but my sister and co? oh dear. I put off driving over until I couldn’t put it off any longer.
Toby and I went over in the afternoon, though he doesn’t like the car I knew he would love seeing my brothers dog and would be giddy to see my brother (call him Nick) and sister in law(we’ll say Alice). When I got there I saw my sisters car and my stomach did a flip. Nick and Alice weren’t there yet and I would have to make small talk with my sister with fewer excuses and buffers around…drat. I parked up the car and let Toby out trying to hide my anxiety from my Dad as he came to greet us, not entirely successful but at least he’s no good at telling.
I feel a little bad but as I walked in I completely ignored Anne and her husband, I couldn’t even make myself look at them. The kids came up to say hello then ran back off to play and I had some time to chat to my mum in the kitchen where I managed to calm myself down.
As the day went on it all went pretty well actually, it was nice to see most of them and Nick and Alice were lovely as always and the two dogs together! well I wish I had filmed it to show you it was so funny. They’re quiet but my brother was always easier for me to be around than Anne and although I wasn’t sure about Alice at first I’ve come round to her now and her childish giddiness over birthdays and christmas is really nice to be around lol.
I think only one thing really made me feel bad…there was a pudding someone had made that had alcohol in it. Now small amounts don’t really affect me but Wowheee! she’d really over done the brandy! By the time I finished the serving of it I could feel the affects starting, I felt nauseated and dizzy, not a happy bunny, ending up running off to hide round the corner of the house with a cigarette for a bit of fresh air and privacy as well as so the kids didn’t see me smoking and the smoke didn’t bother people.
It was lovely that the kids seemed to want to play with me, I haven’t been close to them since they were very small. I ended up playing in a sand tray with them and watching as they climbed all over some bits in the Nursery garden. It was lovely even though I had to be firm with them every so often because they were being a little over zealous with the sand. They wanted to help me in the garden as I messed with my mum’s geraniums and had to tell them it wasn’t a good idea…I wish I saw them more often, saw them when they were playing, could get them mucky and over excited in the garden.
But still…I walk on tenderhooks with them. Worried that my sister will over react if I let them do something she doesn’t approve of or tell them off. She seems to have calmed down now they’re older but still…I don’t even feel that she approved of me being around them never mind spending quality time with them. It’s so sad as I see a lot of myself in my niece and I only hope she doesn’t end up with the problems I have.
Ah well at least the day went well, I rested for a while until the pudding had worn off, Anne and co had left and the rest of the family relaxed in the the living room chatting. I don’t feel comfortable there when the room is full of people. I can’t relax and shift and shuffle around until I can’t stand it any more and have to leave. My Mum and Dad always seem sad when I leave, with a look on their faces that says they would rather I stayed over, spent more time with them, that I’m a constant worry especially to my Mum. As many problems as I have with them I know they love me and I love them, but I do wish things could be more like when I was younger and she accepted I was independent and living my own life the way I felt I needed to.
It’s a new day today, the sun is out and I will have to try and get some things done on my vacation list, mow the lawn, paperwork for work, cleaning, cooking…..I really should get up of my backside!