It’s late and I’m very tired…I apologise for not reading, replying, writing….doing well anything on here for the past few days. I’ve had my first couple of days back at work and oh my am I paying for having had time off and struggling to get back into the swing of things.
I don’t even know where to start on what was so bad about it so I may just leave it at…arrrghhhhh! for now with the wish that I could work only with people who I don’t despise.
This morning…now this morning I spent most of the time in the doctors surgery. I had to have a review of my antidepressants before I could get my next prescription. Yet again I ended up seeing a different doctor (that makes 4 so far that I’ve had to explain my bloody history to in the past 5 months) but he’s one that I’m willing to see again at least.
Is it just me or is it weird to see a doctor that seems to be younger than you? He at least seemed to have a grasp on the whole mental health issue…he knew that the drug I’m on is not usually the first port of call for depression…well yes doctor I’m bloody awkward, we’ve not met before but welcome to my world! He’s also the the first one to ask me what my support network is like, whether I have anyone to talk to about all the shit that is hitting my fan at the moment, whether I had thought about hurting myself (I had to volunteer that one with the first guy). I was so surprised I sat there stunned for a second on both questions and it took a while for my brain to shove the answer far enough that it could pass my vocal chords. ‘I’m using my blog a lot at the moment, the internet to get that and a little from my friends though we seem to have drifted apart again’ Now it’s only since answering him that I’ve realised how much I’ve relied on this site to vent my issues and to find people who understand, won’t judge me and will listen to the issues that I’m having!
I sat there fighting the urge to scratch my arms to pieces, not an entirely successful fight as I came out with a lot of scratches on my arms and my fingers are bitten to shreds, whilst trying to eloquently answer questions about things I hate speaking about. But…he’s going to pester the GP whose trying to get me referred back to psychiatry and see how far he’s got, he gave me the prescription and he seemed to understand where I was coming from with my mumbled gobbledygook.
After the appointment I had to go outside for a cigarette in my car before the next appointment with a nurse. I was shaking and mentally pummelling myself for everything (and have been all day) watching the digital clock crawling past until I couldn’t sit there any longer and went back in. Now the next appointment was a doozy…the dreaded smear test. It’s never as bad as you remember but man I was kicking myself for not having it done when I had my IUD fitted a few months ago. It’s never going to be as bad as the internal ultrasound I had done a while back but still…it’s horribly embarrassing and when you hate your body so much….it took every ounce of effort I could summon to strip off in that office to have it done.
All in all a fun way to spend my morning don’t you think? Then the joy of work….arrrrgghhhhh!
I’m sat here now with that little voice in my head, that I sometimes see as the Cheshire cat, in full flow, nothing wants to stop him and I’m getting so sick of hearing every failure I’ve ever done be thrown in my face. His claws are out, his tail is flicking, I need to find a way to silence his inane chatter because no matter how hard I fight against what he says he’s still there, always with a come back.
I’m fighting the feeling that hurting myself would shut him up, that just my nails in my leg would do to make him calm down…No I won’t…I’m not going to I’m going to find a way to relieve this without it, it’s bad enough that I’ve binged today without that on top of it. So….any suggestions? lol