I’m here…but not really

It’s late and I’m very tired…I apologise for not reading, replying, writing….doing well anything on here for the past few days. I’ve had my first couple of days back at work and oh my am I paying for having had time off and struggling to get back into the swing of things.

I don’t even know where to start on what was so bad about it so I may just leave it at…arrrghhhhh! for now with the wish that I could work only with people who I don’t despise.

This morning…now this morning I spent most of the time in the doctors surgery. I had to have a review of  my antidepressants before I could get my next prescription. Yet again I ended up seeing a different doctor (that makes 4 so far that I’ve had to explain my bloody history to in the past 5 months) but he’s one that I’m willing to see again at least.

Is it just me or is it weird to see a doctor that seems to be younger than you? He at least seemed to have a grasp on the whole mental health issue…he knew that the drug I’m on is not usually the first port of call for depression…well yes doctor I’m bloody awkward, we’ve not met before but welcome to my world! He’s also the the first one to ask me what my support network is like, whether I have anyone to talk to about all the shit that is hitting my fan at the moment, whether I had thought about hurting myself (I had to volunteer that one with the first guy). I was so surprised I sat there stunned for a second on both questions and it took a while for my brain to shove the answer far enough that it could pass my vocal chords. ‘I’m using my blog a lot at the moment, the internet to get that and a little from my friends though we seem to have drifted apart again’ Now it’s only since answering him that I’ve realised how much I’ve relied on this site to vent my issues and to find people who understand, won’t judge me and will listen to the issues that I’m having!

I sat there fighting the urge to scratch my arms to pieces, not an entirely successful fight as I came out with a lot of scratches on my arms and my fingers are bitten to shreds, whilst trying to eloquently answer questions about things I hate speaking about. But…he’s going to pester the GP whose trying to get me referred back to psychiatry and see how far he’s got, he gave me the prescription and he seemed to understand where I was coming from with my mumbled gobbledygook.

After the appointment I had to go outside for a cigarette in my car before the next appointment with a nurse. I was shaking and mentally pummelling myself for everything (and have been all day) watching the digital clock crawling past until I couldn’t sit there any longer and went back in. Now the next appointment was a doozy…the dreaded smear test. It’s never as bad as you remember but man I was kicking myself for not having it done when I had my IUD fitted a few months ago. It’s never going to be as bad as the internal ultrasound I had done a while back but still…it’s horribly embarrassing and when you hate your body so much….it took every ounce of effort I could summon to strip off in that office to have it done.

All in all a fun way to spend my morning don’t you think? Then the joy of work….arrrrgghhhhh!

I’m sat here now with that little voice in my head, that I sometimes see as the Cheshire cat, in full flow, nothing wants to stop him and I’m getting so sick of hearing every failure I’ve ever done be thrown in my face. His claws are out, his tail is flicking, I need to find a way to silence his inane chatter because no matter how hard I fight against what he says he’s still there, always with a come back.

I’m fighting the feeling that hurting myself would shut him up, that just my nails in my leg would do to make him calm down…No I won’t…I’m not going to I’m going to find a way to relieve this without it, it’s bad enough that I’ve binged today without that on top of it. So….any suggestions? lol


6 thoughts on “I’m here…but not really

  1. I’m sorry to hear that the people at work are annoying and that you had such a bad day.. But the doctor you saw seems to be good at least 😉
    Also, well done for showing up for your pap smear! Very brave of you.
    Sending you safe hugs. I hope you can rest a bit after this bad day. Be gentle to yourself. xx

    1. It was a pleasant surprise that he was good, never seen him before and always dread seeing a new GP in case they’ve lost all empathy and don’t listen! I pretty much dissociated myself for the smear but did it lol Thank you 🙂 I’m going to try and make the most of my day off today xx

  2. Oh, sweetie, I so get it. I had a rough week in terms of annoying freaking people at work. I saw my counselor and she said it wasn’t the action they took so much as the buttons they hit. And wow, some buttons were hit.

    I’m sorry you’re scratching yourself. I was doing better, but my heel is a total mess right now. My boss has been one free floating anxiety cloud and I seem so good at absorbing that stuff. I’m not sure how to react with her now, even though we’ve been close before, and I’m not totally sure what my job is, and even when I am, I spend a lot of time staring at a computer screen anyway.

    I am glad you have your blog and that you are reaching out in the blog community. We go through phases, I think. Sometimes it just is really hard to find flesh and blood people who get it in your vicinity. And people are busy out there. But there aren’t usually busy people at say 3 AM, except the insomiac depressives on the Internet. Which was what I was last night.

    I hope it works out with your meds. Having to swtich around with doctors sucks. And yes, what the hell with them being younger than us now? I’m only in my thirties, and I’m being treated by Dougie. Anyway, here’s hoping for the day they make some drugs that work and don’t have side effects like knocking us out or keeping us up, or worse. I hope for the best for you.

    And if that Cheshire cat gives you crap again, come get me. I know that cat pretty well. You can always come over to my blog and have a spot of tea. I got this sign off from our lovely Ruby.

    Love and Xanax,


    1. Aww thanks Alice, I might have to take you up on a tea party on your blog at some point he’s being amazingly annoying at the moment lol. I’ve just gotten home from another shift that went really well until the annoying cow the last post was brought on by arrived and I had to walk out ignoring her comments as I was ready to blow at her after she had been there for 10 minutes. The meds are sort of working I just think I need more in the way of therapy on top of it to be able to deal with everything…hopefully that will be sorted soon.
      Sorry to hear you were having a bad night, but glad that you have this to help you as well 🙂 xx

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