Beauty and the beast.

I do love this vine, it seems to be making sure that I always have something beautiful to look at. Each bloom flowers, dies back and leaves it to the next along the vine to open and share it’s beauty with the world.

OK beauty for the day over and done with I need to vent I think so here comes the Beast. My IBS has kicked off with a vengeance this morning and I think it’s because my anxiety has my stomach tied up in knots. On Tuesday I’m going on a residential with work, it’s been debatable this week as to whether I was going because I was told they couldn’t accommodate my medication needs. I have to be able to refrigerate my injections until I use them and when I rang was told I wouldn’t be able to have access to a secure fridge. After two days of back and forth between my community manager, team leader, the place I’m going and me….they’ve finally decided I’m going. Because it’s been on and off it’s made my anxiety over the whole thing 100 times worse than it was! My stomach feels like it’s vibrating, I’ve got the shakes, I feel sick and it’s all I’m thinking about. You’d think that a company that deals with people with disabilities would be a little more responsible when it comes to this sort of thing!

I’m having to get my parents to dog sit for Toby while I’m away and whether it’s because he knows I’m anxious or he’s got wind of something happening he’s been very cuddly this morning and not allowing me a moments peace unless I let him go outside.

Something is going on what is it? Are you leaving me again?

He’s always been good at knowing when something happening and tends to look at me with those big amber eyes of his, nudging me with his nose trying to figure out what it is

I love you mum, don’t worry I’m here

The idea of the whole experience is triggering me off something chronic, my memories of school trips, the hype before it, the bitching in shared accommodation , the smell of all the sprays and perfumes mingling together….arghh! I’m going to have to try and distract myself today and until I leave, maybe even using my old distraction techniques that I got rid of because they had become unhealthy obsessions. But for a short time that won’t be a bad thing I hope and won’t lead me back down a path I shouldn’t be following.
I have a funny feeling that Monday night after he’s been picked up I’m going to be in pieces, I won’t know what to do with myself and probably won’t sleep well as he’s my little protector. I wish I could get out of this blooming residential or be able to keep him with me until I leave for it. Whenever I’m anxious having him around is always a boon to my sanity, taking him out for a walk or brushing him down helps to ease the tension and I’m going to be in sore need of it!

And this morning I ask myself yet again….why can’t I just be ‘normal’??

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7 thoughts on “Beauty and the beast.

  1. This makes me so sad for you. I know how it feels first of all, to be left in the air and when you have nerve problems, that is a giant ordeal. Also, you know I have my own protector too. I can imagine how difficult this going away is for both of you. Yes, I mean Toby too. I’m sure that he knows that a bad change is coming. But if I were you, I would just curl up with him and allow each of you to comfort the other. (((hugs)))

    1. Thank you 🙂 It’s good just to hear someone else say they understand! We’ve had a day together today playing and cuddling and it’s calmed me down a bit hopefully it’ll stay that way for a while longer, he certainly seems happier too. xx

  2. Aw, what a sweet dog. I’m glad you have him. What breed is he?

    Also, as far as your medication, it seems like they are required to make “reasonable accommodations” according to the ADA. Having a fridge seems reasonable to me. It’s not like you’re saying that you need two days off out of every week (although that would be incredible. I would totally go for that.)

    Sorry you’ve been so anxious. I am anxiety queen and have been all my life. Anyone who thinks that anxiety and physical illness are not related is kidding themselves. My gut has always had issues. My oldest and dearest friend is always saying “You and your stomach.” Lol.

    BTW, have you ever tried Klonapin? They gave me some, and it while it can make you drowsy, if you really need it then it can help, at least a little. Not that I’m a psychologist except in my own mind. Just a thought.

    1. He’s a ‘Heinz 57’ lol not sure what he is exactly as I got him from a rescue centre but he definitely has a lot of Collie in him, possibly some Labrador and apparently some spaniel if his eye problems are to be believed 🙂 I love mongrels.

      They’ve sorted out the fridge conundrum apparently and I’m heading off tomorrow so Toby is going with my parents later today 😦 I’m going to miss him so much. As for reasonable adjustments…well they’ve been pretty good so far with them…I only work 16 hours a week (supposedly) I don’t do sleep shifts, I only work short shifts of 6 hours or less (again supposedly) so they’re pretty good usually.

      I think I’ll have to get some loperadine from the pharmacy for the next couple of days…that tends to at least mean I’m not running to the loo with the squits every few minutes! lol I’ve not tried Klonapin though I have heard of it….ah well no time to get it now but nice to know it’s there if I need it in the future!

      1. Mongrels are the best – I’m one. Who the heck knows where I come from. That’s great that you only have to work 16 hours a week. I miss part-time SO MUCH. I’ve been full-time for about 2.5 years at this job and it really is a good job with good benefits. But it is stifling and hard to get through the day many times. Time for another day. POOF. Didn’t sleep well at all last night. I’d like to call in tired, but maybe I should save that for the day I have to also work the library coffee shop (yes my job is part food service- wtf)

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