***This post is likely to be triggering, please take care if you are likely to struggle with thoughts of self harm***
A story for World suicide prevention day. Based on the truth but…well I’m having to dissociate from it a little so meet Lisa….
She sat on her bed in darkness, the light of the television flickering on her face and it’s whispers of muted static hissing around her head. Lisa had sat here for days, weeks, months in the same pose. Her legs crossed, her elbows digging into her knees as her hands tried to support her head and the thoughts that weighed it down escaping only in the tears that dripped from her cheeks and nose onto her legs.
Her body had betrayed her, it had allowed a monster to take control and she felt it’s presence in every muscle spasm, every pain that racked her and every time the weakness in her muscles made her fall to the floor. How could she live this way? How could she allow herself a life knowing that she would become a burden to all of those around her? She was a failure back in her family home that he had escaped from so long ago.
There was one thing keeping her from doing what she felt was the only option, Lisa knew too much. Every way out she came up with had a flaw and would only make her situation even worse. She had sat here plotting how her story would end as many ways as she could and the list would have been impressive if it wasn’t so sickening in it’s details.
Pills? they were unpredictable and her body knew how to deal with them well enough that if anyone found her before she managed to keep them down properly…well the only result would be liver failure in a hospital. Jumping? There was no where around high enough to guarantee anything. Cutting? Hanging? Suffocation? None of them would work. In her desperation she concocted a plan that would involve a combination of everything she could manage in one go and now there was only one thing holding her back…the one thing she couldn’t find an answer to. Who would find her.
Lisa was living in her parents house and she couldn’t face the idea that they would be the ones who found her when she did it. She couldn’t get the things she needed from downstairs without being asked why.
As she sat there rocking herself in the dark she felt frozen as if she was being held in place by invisible hands. The pressure inside her escaping in little gasps and a high pitched keening of a scream she held back between clenched teeth and lips. Her world shrunk to the size of this bed, nothing outside but darkness and nothing inside but pain the voices in her head shouting arguments that there was no way to resolve.
Finally in the early hours of the morning, exhausted, she feels the darkness engulf her and still sitting in the same position Lisa sleeps her plans merging into her dreams. Another night of nightmares with no escape. Maybe tomorrow, maybe then she will be able to free herself from the hell she can not escape.
Now as you may have guessed…Lisa survived this night and many others just like it. She found the help she needed, the people who understood and she could talk to. It took time and asking for help when she thought no one could.
All I can add is this. If you find yourself in this place….reach out. There are so many of us who have been there, so many who are willing to try and willing to listen. We may not all have training but we have the knowledge of how it feels and the willingness to try and point you in the right direction for people who do.
Stay safe everyone 🙂