The stress monster is shrinking…enter the internal voices **TW- just in case**

In between mowing and strimming the lawn, finishing my ironing, feeding the birds, walking Toby, watching films and cooking myself some decent food…I’ve finally finished a piece of work that I should have tackled for work a year ago.

Is it strange that I would rather be told off for not doing something than disappoint someone by doing it badly? I panic about getting things wrong, not putting the right answers to a question and seeing that look on their face that says I’ve gone down in their estimations.

Well I’ve done what I always do and left it till the point where I will get in serious trouble if it’s not done before finishing it. That way I can almost dissociate from it, someone else takes over who can think ‘fuck it’ and just write down whatever sounds right, can sit and concentrate on it for long enough to get it done. I’ve always done this with coursework, my dissertation being the best example…you’d think I’d learn my lesson when I nearly have a nervous breakdown due to computer failure just before it’s due in, but no.

Next to tackle: Finding all that information.

But just at the wrong time I’m struggling, my internal voices are screaming at me.

~you’re useless~

I know, I hate myself you don’t have to go on about it.

~you’re going to lose your job over this~

They can’t, they can’t fire me over it

~yes they can and you know it~

They wouldn’t, I’m good at what I do, the effort I’ve put in, the times I’ve put my health at risk for it, they can’t

~they can, you’ve been warned that if you don’t do what they ask of you you’ll fail your probation~

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

~ hahaha you can’t shut me up, I know you, I know everything you’ve ever been scared of, every moment of doubt~

I’ll fight you

~you can try, but you’ll never win, you never win at anything, you’re a fat loser and always have been~

*whimper*

~ You’re an unorganised filthy little cow, just look at the mess you’ve made of your house it’s disgusting, you should be ashamed. You don’t deserve that job, you don’t deserve a pet like Toby, you don’t deserve anything other than to be alone in your disgusting little pit on your nasty estate surrounded by druggies and slack jawed chavs~

Stop, please just stop it, be quiet and let me rest

~so that’s your idea of fighting is it? soon you’ll be nothing, you’ll be back where you were, in the hospital being watched to make sure you didn’t do anything more stupid than you had already. No one trusts you, no one cares about you, why don’t you just give in and do the world a favour~

*queue Toby with his wet nose nudging me because of the keening coming from my throat*

Hello little man, I’m OK honest…*gives me a look* OK, OK I’ll let you out in the garden…*jumps out the door and looks at me expectantly* yes Β OK I’ll come with you…. *paws are suddenly on my chest and a nose in my face so I can’t help but smile* Thank you you gorgeous little fur ball, I love you too.

 

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13 thoughts on “The stress monster is shrinking…enter the internal voices **TW- just in case**

  1. oh thank God for our animals. You know I am so like you in that I as well have always been fearful of actually finishing something because I am afraid it won’t be good enough. I also disasociate from the things I can’t finish. I look back to my childhood and my marriage. Two periods of my life when my best was really never good enough.

    1. I hate that things like this trigger off so many bad memories even if they try to disguise themselves as thoughts about what is going on at the moment. I need a mental gag to shut them up! x

      1. I meant I had been triggered off this weekend by the whole thing, the stress and the panic of it all made my head such a mess :S

      2. oh ok Im sorry, I thought that you felt that you had triggered me as well. lol. I can relate though. So, many things at once this last week has messed my head up. take care sweety

    1. They seem to have calmed down a bit now thanks, they keep trying to rear their ugly heads but they’re being kept at bay. Toby won’t leave me be at the moment he’s being very needy today probably because he’s worried but I would like a few minutes peace lol xx

  2. I wish one could just switch these nasty bugger thoughts inside off. Why do they even exist? Just so we can make ourselves miserable when no one else does? *sigh*
    I hope you’ll feel better again soon. So glad you have Toby. I like him so much – although I just know the photos, your writing and his occasional posts πŸ™‚ xx

    1. He’s definitely been keeping me occupied today, he won’t leave me alone! Always sitting in front of me wanting me to stroke his head or let him outside I couldn’t even have a nap this afternoon without him waking me up every couple of minutes lol. He’s a popular dog on here and with the kids round my estate πŸ™‚ xx

  3. You did all that work and you still get those shitty little voices – that’s just not fair.
    Toby is a WonderDog! So pleased he’s there for you. Listen to him, not those other voices, he makes much more sense. πŸ˜‰ xx

  4. I can relate. I have annoying voices telling me I can’t write and I’m a fool if I think I can still do the same job I used to. I hate the internal critic. I’ve read about ways you’re supposed to be able to silence that beast. So far nothing has worked for me. If you find a way to silence that voice, let me know, and I’ll do the same. πŸ™‚

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