Bring on the day off.
It’s been a nuts few days at work and I’m shattered, just had to do a split shift at last minute to top it all off. Hopefully the rest of the week goes more smoothly work wise so my brain and body have a bit of time to rest.
I had a phone call as I was finishing my the morning part of the shift, we’re not allowed to use our phones at work unless absolutely necessary so I had to ignore it, when I finished and managed to ring them back it turned out it was because my appointment with the community mental health team tomorrow has been cancelled. It seems to be taking forever to get there, now I’m not going to see them for another couple of weeks when really I was hoping tomorrow would bring answers.
I want to know what is going on in my head! Were the liaison team right? do I have BPD? is it something else? can they help me to handle my mind and the thoughts that go through it? So many questions and now there is yet more time going past before I get any closer to the answers.
Right now I think I should really think about going to bed, but I can’t seem to shut off, there’s not even any decent shit TV to help me calm down. The thoughts that are whizzing through like asteroids flying towards a planet threatening to cause havoc and destruction. They come out of nowhere, one mistake after another, every one of them hitting with a shock that leaves me reeling and a knot of panic in my gut that just won’t fuck off!!
Those internal voices, those annoying infernal internal voices like having my very own bully living in my mind. Was it not enough being bullied all those years but to know have one being carried around with me carrying on their vicious work. I do wish I could do to it what I did to one of those bullies so many years ago and face up to it, corner it and tell it what for, slap it and leave it whimpering and regretting its actions.