I’ve been a bit lost, but this idea has me intrigued so lets see how it goes….
Write a letter to your 14-year-old self. Tomorrow, write a letter to yourself in 20 years.
5th November 2012
This is going to be very hard for you to believe and at the moment I’m struggling to think how I could prove it to you, but this letter is from you 14 years in the future. I have some things I need to tell you, some things I know you’ll find it hard to hear but I think you need to hear them.
How can I prove it to you that I’m …you? well I know you’re struggling at the moment in so many ways and you don’t think you’ll ever get through them, you’re becoming more and more lonely, more angry and desperate. That won’t be enough so I’ll have to bring up some things that you’ve hidden more deeply and for that I’m sorry but…..you’re drinking is getting out of control Mel. It’s getting dangerous now, I know you want to be numb, to not feel anything any more but alcohol is not the answer, you’ve already had a close call with it and you know deep down that can’t happen again. The lie you told in form room to Marie (I think) about a boy near the caravan…don’t worry I’ve never told anyone the truth but just one more thing to hopefully make you believe.
I have a feeling that at this moment you are screwing this up, trying to rip it into pieces and deny any knowledge of it but I hope, how I hope, that you will keep reading. If you’ve now had to stick this paper back together again I understand.
So, now the paper is back in one piece what is it that I want to say to you? I want to say….you are not alone. So many people out there are going through what you are, you know that but I just felt you might need reminding. We have always been out of place, always the odd one out, the one that is singled out like the lame gazelle by a pack of lions, but look at all the people who come to the common room at lunch time, you are not alone.
Things will improve, you will find a strength you never knew to stand up to those people. Right now you’ve begun to separate yourself from the crowds, you are a social butterfly never staying with one group for long enough to become part of it, not classed as ‘one of them’ yet friendly enough that you are no threat to anyone. Maybe that’s why no one has noticed your drinking, your strange eating habits, the shifts in personality that happen so often.
A couple of things, when you go to Greece, be careful. It is too easy to drink there, too many men looking for young tourists, be on the ball, I know you will but just to tell you know your instincts will be invaluable in this trip.
Go with your instincts will be my mantra in this letter. Trust the way you feel.
Don’t follow the herd when it comes to college and you will find a semblance of peace and joy for nearly two years, but don’t go off the rails because one of the things your instincts are a bit dodgy with are cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and men(yes you will have men in your life). Don’t try to fit into the crowd, living outside it has been much more fun and has led us to some of the loveliest people we’ll ever know.
You will find your path in this life, you will find your way but I won’t lie to you it will not be easy. We are what I like to now call…complicated and just become more so as the years go on.
Speak out when someone is cruel to you, in 2006 you will need to remember this more than ever. You are not worthless and we work our arse off so never let anyone make you feel useless in that respect! Shout it from the rooftops that things are not right, that someone who should be supporting you is not and do it fast before it hurts you.
Now I mentioned men, this will be a hard one to cover in a letter to you because it’s one part of our life that at this moment I can’t see you believing if I told you the whole truth. So be warned, men will not solve anything, sex will not solve anything, long distance doesn’t work, there’s nothing wrong with liking women too and be careful on the internet.
The final thing, when you struggle ask for help….doctors are not just for tonsillitis (no we never had them taken out), your mental health is important too and I hate to tell you this but where you are at the moment is not healthy and ignoring it won’t help.
I really hope that by telling you these things our lives will become a little easier. By the time you are reading this, well most of the damage has already been done but who knows even from now changes can be made that may allow us to live the life I remember imagining.
Blessed be little sister