My mind twists
it turns and swirls
the world shifts
and inverts upon itself
making me doubt myself
and the ebbing flow divides
the waters still
my mind rests
before the movement begins again
I went to my appointment with the CMHT this morning, anxiety so high, paranoid. tired…it didn’t bode well.
I found the place all right with the help of my phones sat nav, had to wait outside in my car until the place opened and sat there smoking, watching, like a small mammal about to go out into the open fields. The fear wasn’t as bad as it could have been because I was tired, I think part of me did it on purpose, not letting me sleep so when the morning came I wouldn’t have the energy to be too anxious.
When he finally came and got me from the waiting room, he seemed nice, he had the same first name as a lecturer I used to enjoy being taught by which helped. But the assessment, how I hate these assessments! How can you get across the feelings of confusion, paranoia, anger, depression in one hour? How can I explain to him things going on in my head that I don’t understand myself! How do they expect people to open up enough to a complete stranger to tell them these things? To prove to them that I need the help I’m asking for?
I left in a state of numbness that had been there as I answered his questions. The part of me that I tried to explain to him, the part that can function in these situations took over and did the hard tasks even if the flashbacks tried to break through.
Don’t know what to think about the whole thing, apparently he will be putting the information he got from me forward to a group who will decide what options might work for me, he spoke about therapy with them, we agreed that having a nurse come out to me wouldn’t be of any help (if anything that would make me feel worse). Now I just have to wait a week or so and see what happens…more waiting…more torture…bleugh!!
Ah well my mind is blocking it all from me as I speak…
I start my annual leave for a few days today, it should have been a week but surprise surprise I’m not getting the whole holiday 😦 I forgot to leave one of the keys at work last night so had to go in today anyway and though..what the hell if I’m going to have to I might as well finish a little bit of work and take it in while I’m going, on my way I picked up a couple of essentials I needed to get for them….why do I do this? It’s my time off and yet here I am doing things for work. I should be spending time walking Toby and relaxing but no of course I’m not.
From this moment I will not do any more work stuff…I won’t…I will do things that make me happy even down to doing my laundry that I’ve not gotten around to and seeing my friends. I will watch the films that have come in the post for me, write on here and hopefully play catch up on the blogs I’ve not been reading (sorry!!)
Time to make it up to my little boy…..
….he’s been so good, he deserves it!