Now many of you will not remember this, may not have ever seen me refer to my anxiety this way because well…it’s been behaving itself for a while now.
Not today. Not this afternoon.
He’s woken up and is doing that swirling morphing act of his in my chest. Coming and never quite going, never letting me know what has made him appear or what will make him go away.
It’s not turned into a full blown panic attack but has come close far too many times today and I have no idea why! The only thing I can think of is that work was stressful last night and as always after a bad shift I’ve been playing what I might have done wrong, what I could have done differently over in my head and wondering if I will be fired. My sensible head says I won’t be, my panicky head says there is every chance of it.
I’ve just come back from a longer than average walk with Toby, it’s my day off today and I thought it would help to walk off some of the anxious energy but no such luck I’ve come home and am just as bad if not worse than I was when I left. I should have plugged my headphones in as I walked so I didn’t have so much time to think, as it was as I was walking it just gave the CC too long to talk to me about every failing I have that it could fit into that 40 minutes of pretty fast paced walking (fast paced for me at the moment at least)
I think the only thing to do is to put on a film that will distract me…find something decent out of the freezer that I can have for my tea since I forgot to take any meat out to make something with tonight.
Oh yeah it also meant that my memories been horrendous today, nearly forgot to go to the post office to pick up a package, forgot to take my morning meds (none of them are anti-anxiety), can barely remember my own name at the moment, forgot the password to at least one account….and I’ve just remembered that I need to put the bins out for tomorrow what’s the betting I forget before I get to the door? I’ll give you even odds.
OK I’m going to concentrate on what film to watch…I don’t know what to go for whether to watch a horror seeing as how at least my life will seem good compared to whoever is having a bad time in it or watch a kids film that will hopefully make me giggle. Choices choices…and if you could see my collection you would realise just how difficult this choice will be 😆 I need to narrow down the genre at least before I even try to decided. To the DVD shelving units! (yes that’s plural you heard me right)
You know what even just writing about choosing a film has helped me to calm down….distraction you are my friend today, you will be my guardian from the Cheshire cat….now get guarding he’s waking up again!!