Today started a long week of long days and lots of driving….this will not be fun and my mind will be a big muddled mess by the weekend.
I hate weeks like this, I don’t think anyone enjoys them but the pressure of them of having to be on the ball and live up to everyone else when I have enough trouble living up to myself is so hard. I feel bad saying I’m tired when I know that everyone else is working many more hours than me and as such don’t really have any room to complain. I’m terrified that I’ll do something stupid out of tiredness, not be able to control my temper with someone, not wake up in time to go on shift.
For the next few days I’m on split shifts. I start early, finish just before lunch and start again early afternoon before finishing at tea time. It means I can come home and let Toby out in the garden, have some lunch and have a nap (if my mind will let me) before I have to head back to work again and try to push my mangled body and mind through another few hours.
I think weeks like this prove to me that I’m in no fit state to go back to full time work. My paranoia tells me I should be working, that everyone who sees me knows that I’m not working full time, that they think I’m a lazy lying bastard and that it’s all a massive lie to have an easy life. I hate my body, I hate my mind and most of all I hate the fact that I’m so so paranoid about the things I have wrong with me!
Sorry I’m not here much at the moment, I’m trying to read as many blogs as I can and trying to post to let you know I’m here and how I’m doing.
I think Toby knows something’s not right either that or he’s annoyed at me, because he’s pestering me good style and bringing me every toy he can think of to bring me out to play with him. I feel horrible for not having the energy to run around with him 😦 My poor little old man, I hope he comes to join me on the bed tonight I think I need the Toby cuddles.