Today started a long week of long days and lots of driving….this will not be fun and my mind will be a big muddled mess by the weekend.
I hate weeks like this, I don’t think anyone enjoys them but the pressure of them of having to be on the ball and live up to everyone else when I have enough trouble living up to myself is so hard. I feel bad saying I’m tired when I know that everyone else is working many more hours than me and as such don’t really have any room to complain. I’m terrified that I’ll do something stupid out of tiredness, not be able to control my temper with someone, not wake up in time to go on shift.
For the next few days I’m on split shifts. I start early, finish just before lunch and start again early afternoon before finishing at tea time. It means I can come home and let Toby out in the garden, have some lunch and have a nap (if my mind will let me) before I have to head back to work again and try to push my mangled body and mind through another few hours.
I think weeks like this prove to me that I’m in no fit state to go back to full time work. My paranoia tells me I should be working, that everyone who sees me knows that I’m not working full time, that they think I’m a lazy lying bastard and that it’s all a massive lie to have an easy life. I hate my body, I hate my mind and most of all I hate the fact that I’m so so paranoid about the things I have wrong with me!
Sorry I’m not here much at the moment, I’m trying to read as many blogs as I can and trying to post to let you know I’m here and how I’m doing.
I think Toby knows something’s not right either that or he’s annoyed at me, because he’s pestering me good style and bringing me every toy he can think of to bring me out to play with him. I feel horrible for not having the energy to run around with him 😦 My poor little old man, I hope he comes to join me on the bed tonight I think I need the Toby cuddles.
scienerf 
(((hugs)))
Thank you 🙂 xx
also dropping off ((hugs))
and thank you too xoxox
You and Toby take care of each other. xxxx
We try…he tried to come to work with me this afternoon and made me feel sooo guilty :S my poor little man is feeling it this week too xx
I know it’s easy to say but comparing yourself to others isn’t helpful. That being said I’m guilty of doing the same thing. So do as I say, not as I do! lol 😉 Anyway, I have worked split shifts a few times when I was 17 or 18 and I hated them then. I think you are too hard on yourself. Split shifts are very bad for your health when you’re required to do them regularly. You loose sleep and get out of sync with your sleep wake cycle.
There’s a lot of workaholism and Protestant work ethic to blame for how you’re feeling IMO. It’s the same reason I beat myself up for not doing as much as other people. Now I’m kinder to myself but it’s still a daily struggle. Learn to appreciate your own body’s signals and what you require to stay well. What keeps someone else functioning may be quite different from what keeps you going optimally. I have had to learn to love myself enough to recognize I need different things to keep me healthy and happy than others. It’s too easy to believe we’re all supposed to be the same when in reality we aren’t. We’ve all got different health profiles and life circumstances/personalities to work with.
It’s not fair to yourself to expect full time work if you have significant health challenges. That’s not being lazy, it’s honoring yourself. Sometimes taking care of ourselves is seen as selfish but it is not. Taking care of yourself is good for you and other people too. Think of it as giving people a gift when you look after yourself-the gift of a happy, healthier you! Toby will be happy too!!!
Thank you, I try to tell myself that and have had to tell work that too…it’s just hard when it’s so deeply embedded as you say that old Protestant work ethic I grew up with too. I’m like you great at recommending things to others terrible at doing it myself! lol I try and will keep trying. I nap when I need to most days anyway but have learnt to limit that time and they have been invaluable when these hard days come along.
Luckily even on these split shifts I finish by 5pm usually so I’m home for tea and can get to bed at a decent time…the real testers are late shift straight into early shift, that one really messes with my body and head.
Toby is trying to keep me level bless him, he’s determined not to let me become a work aholic again though he’s got a fight on his hands to stop me! 😉 xx
LOL, well if Toby wants you around more don’t mess with him! Dog is God spelled backwards for a reason I believe 😉 *winks*
Glad to hear your split shifts end at a reasonable hour. Night shifts are super hard. I always avoided them as much as I was able to when I worked at a place with them. It was very hard on me because of my mood problems.
xx
🙂
You should definitely consider a less stressful job. I know, easier said than done. It’s hard to find a job. Can you go to doing temporary work? Then you could limit how much you work. I wish I had more to offer than some lame “advice”. I feel for you. Hope next week is easier on you.
I moved from teaching because it was just too stressful, I can’t see myself moving from this position any time soon I like it too much even with the stress! Ah at least you had some advice..I’ve had nothing to offer a lot of the time recently! Thank you, next week shouldn’t be as bad and at least I have the weekend off 🙂 xx