Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to hope that I get fired? That the arsehole of a manager that I spoke to the other day decides I’m not good enough or of the right mind set to work for the company and gives me notice?

After this week and especially after yesterday I am hoping that he does. I don’t want to quit, I don’t want to let the people I support down but I also don’t want to deal with the stress and the stupid internal politics any more.

I’m tired, tired of working more hours than I really should do and not having any time to look after myself.

My mind is torn though. If I get fired I won’t be able to get a decent reference when I want to find another job and I’ve been looking but Β don’t have a clue what I would be able to or want to do. If I just quit before I find another position I won’t be able to ask for any kind of financial help. If I stay I will continue to have to work more hours than is good for my health both mental and physical as well as putting up with idiotic ideas from up high. If I leave I will end up back feeling useless, probably go back to my agoraphobic ways and let my mind get the better of me.

This is the longest I have stayed in any position other than when I worked for my mother. Nearly two years when every other job I’ve had…I only lasted for up to 1 year either because that was the length of the contract or because I couldn’t cope with it any longer.

Why is work so hard? Why can’t I be like the rest of the population and find a job that I can cope with, that might even make me happy? Is that really too much to ask of my mind and body…to just be able to work without ending up at the bottom of the pit because I can’t cope with it?

I’m still waiting to hear from the CMHT about whether they will be able to offer my some kind of therapy…if it doesn’t happen soon I’m going to be back where I started. I’m struggling to fight with my own mind and need the back up of someone who knows what they’re doing. I need to be able to understand why I am the way that I am so that I know how best to stop. I’ll never be perfect, no one can be, but I want to just be…well…a less messed up version of me.

 

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14 thoughts on “Is it wrong?

  1. sweety, I can’t tell you what is best. But, in my case, I was working at a job where my hours were overwhelming, I was there two years, like you, the longest I had been employed anywhere. Even my doctor told me that if I didn’t quit, I was going to break down. There were other factors involved then, but I wouldn’t quit. I was finally making enough money to make ends meet and make life great for my children financially. So, I kept pushing. Then one night as I was working, I realized that my hands were numb. I couldn’t pick up anything. I couldn’t work. My heart was flying out of my chest. I went on a break and couldn’t even hold a cigerette up to my mouth. I am sure I looked like an idiot to the others in the break room. But I had to get out of there. I just barely had the ability to go to my supervisor and get my check. I said I was quiting. He could obviously see that I was breaking down. He and a couple other supervisiors followed me all the way to the door. My supervisor was offering me a medical leave and as everyone looked on, I walked out trembling and so out of sorts I couldn’t even walk straight.
    I am saying this just to let you know that no job or feeling that you have failed is worth destroying yourself for. I completely broke down and ended up in the psych ward for the first time. I have never been the same since. Just a thought. though. You know your own strength. xx

    1. I’m on a 16hr week contract, but this week I’ve done nearly 30 not including the travelling and the extra hours I’ve done to finish off some of my paperwork. It’s not good and making me hate the job and myself. I would cry but I’m pretty numb at the moment.
      So sorry to hear you went through that hun, sounds similar to when I got sent home from my teacher training post because I collapsed in the staff room. I should have learnt from that but…when I’m needed I can’t say no :S
      I have the weekend off…you never know once I go back on monday I might feel different, but at the moment I could easily just abandon the whole bloody lot.
      Thank you, as always knowing I’m not the only one is such a comfort to me xoxox

  2. Hoping that you are feeling better today.
    So hard to even suggest what would I do in your position because your circumstances are different.
    You gotta look after yourself no doubt, the sooner the better.

    1. A little, thank you. Being tired is one of my big triggers for anxiety, low mood and pain….a wonderful trilogy of nastiness. I think it’s time to start looking around at least for something different even if things improve and I change my mind πŸ™‚

  3. I can empathize with you. Two years ago when I quit my job I was finding my job to be too much for me. I kept thinking I’d get fired because I wasn’t doing very well then but it was HARD to get fired from the place-they needed everyone they could get! So I ended up quitting whilst having a major depression and massive amounts of anxiety all the time. They wanted me to come back but I just told them NO! Never went back and it was the best thing I did for myself. That being said I’m still unemployed and it took awhile to get better again but at least I’m not in that crap hole of a job!.

    1. That sounds familiar…we’re short staffed and keeping people who are bloody useless never mind them firing me when I’ve done nothing wrong. I have some bits I need to do and tempted to just not do it so I get a warning…nothing serious but enough to get a slap on the wrist….but then my mind rebels against doing anything that will get me in trouble. Oh I don’t know…I’ll start looking for something else and see what’s out there but I’m not holding my breath at finding anything :S Thank you for reading and letting me know I’m not alone in all this rubbish πŸ™‚

      1. I thought I’d found it with this, you never know I might be able to get it sorted so I’m happy with it again πŸ˜› If not I want something similar, I’m a glutton for punishment but there you go!

    1. Shame our lot aren’t making us redundant…they’re desperate for staff! Tonight was better, shorter shift and a day off tomorrow again so hopefully the rest will boost me back up and I’ll be happy in my job again….I’ve started looking though πŸ˜‰ xx

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