Is it wrong to hope that I get fired? That the arsehole of a manager that I spoke to the other day decides I’m not good enough or of the right mind set to work for the company and gives me notice?
After this week and especially after yesterday I am hoping that he does. I don’t want to quit, I don’t want to let the people I support down but I also don’t want to deal with the stress and the stupid internal politics any more.
I’m tired, tired of working more hours than I really should do and not having any time to look after myself.
My mind is torn though. If I get fired I won’t be able to get a decent reference when I want to find another job and I’ve been looking but don’t have a clue what I would be able to or want to do. If I just quit before I find another position I won’t be able to ask for any kind of financial help. If I stay I will continue to have to work more hours than is good for my health both mental and physical as well as putting up with idiotic ideas from up high. If I leave I will end up back feeling useless, probably go back to my agoraphobic ways and let my mind get the better of me.
This is the longest I have stayed in any position other than when I worked for my mother. Nearly two years when every other job I’ve had…I only lasted for up to 1 year either because that was the length of the contract or because I couldn’t cope with it any longer.
Why is work so hard? Why can’t I be like the rest of the population and find a job that I can cope with, that might even make me happy? Is that really too much to ask of my mind and body…to just be able to work without ending up at the bottom of the pit because I can’t cope with it?
I’m still waiting to hear from the CMHT about whether they will be able to offer my some kind of therapy…if it doesn’t happen soon I’m going to be back where I started. I’m struggling to fight with my own mind and need the back up of someone who knows what they’re doing. I need to be able to understand why I am the way that I am so that I know how best to stop. I’ll never be perfect, no one can be, but I want to just be…well…a less messed up version of me.