A glimpse into the darkness

Paranoid delusions, normal paranoia or am I right? I’ve had that horrible feeling of being watched for years. I forgot how many years until I was speaking about it to someone else yesterday and I realised just how long that feeling had been there.

I searched out my old journal, you remember them paper and pen/typewriter instead of on a screen and just for me to see rather than anyone else being allowed in.

The old journal…not the whole thing but some of it


IMAG0449 IMAG0452 IMAG0447 IMAG0457

Now a lot of it is terrible grammatically, doesn’t make sense and was not edited in any way shape or form (similar to this really). It’s from different years, different problems and all over the place, I never wrote in it on a regular basis only when I really needed to and remembered that I had it.

OK…so I searched it out in order to see if there was anything in it that would let me introduce you to my paranoia from over the years. There was more than I thought there would be, more warning signs and more indications of my real mental state than I remembered there being. Denial is a marvellous thing sometimes. dark-island

Welcome to  Paranoia Island!

All are welcome to visit this wonderful idyllic land, though be warned some people never leave! This little leaflet will give you an introduction to the attractions, places, people and features you might enjoy while you’re here.

You’ll have noticed as you entered that everyone was watching you, isn’t that great? Everyone here will be keeping an eye on you at all times, watching your every move and making sure that you’re making the most of your time. Yes even in your bedroom there will be cameras hidden in discreet places so you don’t notice them and can go about your activities in the knowledge that we will always know what you are doing. I wouldn’t bother searching for them, you’ll never find them, we’re too good at what we do!


Some people ask why we go to all this trouble just for you? Well the answer is simple, we like to watch you find your way through everything here on Paranoia Island! It’s entertaining for us to watch what you might do or say next and to see if we can push you to breaking point while you’re here!


The activities we offer are varied and tailored to you. We will make sure that you are never bored, coming up with exciting and thrilling experiences for you to take part in. You won’t be warned about them but you’ll know when we’ve arranged something special, how could you not?

They will be things that could only happen to you, things that build up on the feeling of our control over your life to the point where you will have no way to deny to yourself that you are on ‘Paranoia Island’.

The inhabitants and workers

The people, oh the people. You’ll love them, they are all under our control and will make sure to interrupt you at just the right time, say just the right words and do the right things to make your experience here complete. They will make sure to guide you the way we have designed your stay and guess what, they will all either be people you have known for years or at least look and sound like them to make sure you are comfortable.

Had enough?

When you’ve had your fill of Paranoia Island and you want to leave…well as we said right at the start a lot of the time people never leave. They get so involved in all our activities and the people we surround them with that they just never go anywhere. Sometimes people really do want to leave but our exits aren’t clearly marked and it can take some time to get to them, we suggest that you hire one of the helpers available to show you where they are.

If you try to exit then we wish you good luck but are sure you’ll be back! Once you’ve been here the memory will live with you for the rest of your life. You will always wonder about the time you spent here, whether and how you ever left! We bet that you will end up visiting us again at some point and we’ll welcome you with open arms each time gripping you in the tightest embrace of long lost friends.

Have a great time in Paranoia Island, we’ll be doing everything we can just watch out for the signs!


10 thoughts on “A glimpse into the darkness

    1. I usually manage to convince myself they are my guardian angels now when I feel like that…that it’s my grandad or uncle etc that are popping in to make sure I’m ok. It’s the only way I’ve found works for me in the bad times xx

    1. That’s where it gets strange I guess…it doesn’t scare me so much as just make me very paranoid and angry! Thank you for reading, sorry if it scared you though! xx

  1. What a brilliant post!
    The way you described Paranoia Island, it’s just so right.
    So brave of you to write this up, it will help those of us who can identify, and also let others know exactly how this experience feels.
    I like your idea of thinking now that the ‘watchers’ are guardian angels, that’s a really good way to turn the madness around.
    And wow, going back through journals, that’s hard, isn’t it? But I guess it’s good if you can see how far you have progressed.
    Thanks for sharing yourself like this, and I hope Paranoia Island never comes up on your itinerary again. xox

    1. Thank you 🙂 It’s a hard one to describe to people who’ve never experienced it especially since I forget that not everyone feels like this sometimes!
      I’ve been sailing around it for a few months now while the Black dog has been barking, but it really has helped me to think that those eyes I feel are those of my ancestors watching, even the ones I never met.
      I didn’t manage to read too much of the old journal…just some bits and pieces using the scanning technique I perfected at university to find the right bits.
      I’m debating whether to post it up on the other blog where more people will see it, there are only a few of us on this one. I don’t tag it to keep it that way but want others to be able to read this as you say to open up the subject to others who may need to know they’re not alone.
      You’ve been such an inspiration to me Elyn whether just in our conversations that make me want to write something or a post you put up that lets me know I’m not alone in these things. xoxox

      1. Thankyou beautiful one. This post helped me.
        I actually thought whilst I was reading this it should be posted somewhere like Canvas of the Minds. My only reservation is that this is very revealing, honest writing, and whilst it helps others, you really need to care for your Self first.
        Perhaps if you only posted the part highlighted in red?

    1. I found creating them very therapeutic at the time, rummaging through old magazines for the right colours, textures and images to go with them and making it all fit together. I once let an ex read it and he panicked…I hadn’t realised how messed up my mind was till he did 🙄
      Thank you for reading too, glad to see you around again 🙂 xoxox

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s