It's not going well


I’m tired and run down. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!

I have yet another bug of some kind that my body is having to put all its energy into fighting, sore ears, sore throat, aching all over and generally feeling shit…oh and a slight temperature fluctuation that shows no pattern.

I have a slight obsession whenever I’m ill. Out comes the thermometer (a fancy digital one) and I take my temperature. If it was just once or twice I wouldn’t feel so silly but…well it’s a couple of times an hour if I’m holding myself back. If I panic and see it rise then that increases to ever 10 minutes or so watching it move up and down and trying to find an explanation.


The next few days are going to be hell, last night I had to go into work anyway even though I felt so shit because the cut off for ringing in sick had been and gone by the time I woke up and realised I shouldn’t really go into work. Tomorrow I will have to go in again as I have to do a task that can not be put off any longer…


…then another two days of shifts after that. I will be working twice as many hours as I should be over these 7 days and I will struggle.

I have started looking for another job, I just updated and uploaded my CV onto a web site after a short walk with Toby. As I was walking around the block with him it was running through my mind about how shit I feel. Thinking about what would happen if I asked my manager to make sure that I don’t work over my hours, that I don’t go over my contracted monthly hours unless she asks me to (next month I’m going to be over again and that’s without me agreeing to overtime).

While I was running this through my head, I knew it would annoy her, would vex her as she has to try and keep the hours of care in our service up. I could see her grimace and sense her annoyance in my head…I’ve had to do this so many times before and it’s always the same but unlike in real life or even in my own head usually at the end of my request and her becoming grumpy my inner self blurted out ‘I quit’.

‘I quit’ two words I’ve never uttered but seem so tempting right now.

When I got home I turned my laptop on and went straight to searching job websites.

Either I find another job that isn’t so stressful or I ask them to transfer my contract from a part time worker to a supply worker, only to be used as necessary but with no obligation to work contracted hours. I once mentioned this and was told it wasn’t possible though I can’t remember why.


I hate not working, it drives me slightly more bonkers than I already am, makes my agoraphobia take over and I end up living at the bottom of the pit with very little to bring me back out of it. But since this year has shown a lowering of my mood to the point where I’ve given in and gone back on antidepressants because I heard the little voices telling me to end it all again. It’s made me have more pain, more fatigue, more anxiety, more little niggling annoyances than ever before….I can’t help thinking that it might be better if I wasn’t working.

I had a phone consultation with my GP about my meds the other day and he asked how I was doing…I told him the truth but it wasn’t exactly in depth. ‘Not great’ doesn’t exactly tell him a lot but was all I felt up to saying. If I had been telling the utter unvarnished truth….it would have sounded more like

‘I’m crap, my world has gone dark, the light at the end of the tunnel is dimming and the voices are speaking to me telling me how useless it is to keep fighting. I almost wish my feeling of being watched really was true sometimes so that whoever is watching could see the pain I am in and how I struggle to do the most basic tasks, then I could apply for sickness again and not have to go through the trauma that is their assessment. I can’t keep it up, my mask is slipping, the walls that allow me to function as normal are beginning to crash around my ears.’

I have to organise a face-to-face consultation soon anyway and I might try to say something like that to them but….I can never make myself in the seven and a half minutes you are allotted for the appointment.


The black armies are marching

boots stomping

bombs blasting

the ground that is my mind

They sing in harmony

funereal dirges

echoing in my ears

Bringing with them

instruments of torture

tools to destroy


(MC 4/1/13)




10 thoughts on “It's not going well

  1. Oh my friend… I’m so sorry for your dark days, here I have something for you.. Wait it in my bag, hold on one sec.. Yep here it is, my last we but of strength I give it all to you my dear. May it light your ways on your darkest of days and warm your heart when your fire runs dry. Help guide you to that gentle place where you mind can rest with comfort and ease. I keep it next to my heart so it’s ready for yours use it well and it will last a life time.
    Always here with an open ear.

  2. (((hugs))) man, another sickness on top of the one you had? that sounds miserable sweety. I don’t know excatly how things go over there, but maybe you do need a break if only for a bit. You don’t want to keep pushing yourslef too long without some kind of relief. You are in my prayers friend xx

    1. I’m run down so I’m picking up every bug going I think, either that or the first one never went away and has come back for the second wave attack. I’m not even gonna get my full weeks holiday later this month there is a training I have to go on half way through it 😦 Thank you for being here ((hugs)) back to you too xx

  3. Darling you don’t sound well at all. And it does sound like it’s time to reevaluate your work. Stress is no good for you, apart from the mental aspect, it can’t help with your physical illness either. If you were in an accident you wouldn’t be able to go to work tomorrow, so don’t push yourself too hard, they will cope. Or maybe just go in to do the task? You don’t want to give what you have to someone else too.
    Thankyou for sharing all this, I’m sorry things have been and are so hard. I wonder if you could take a copy of that paragraph (“I’m crap . . .”) to the doctor’s, so if you don’t feel up to speaking, it will speak for you.
    I often feel you seem very alone, but I want you to know I am here, and care for you greatly, so I would really like to see you get the help and support you need.
    I have you wrapped in my heart today
    I hope you feel a little better soon, sending you warm love and healing light xox

    1. I know…it’s just so hard to let people down πŸ˜₯ and tomorrow…well I’ll hopefully be feeling a bit better and will be able to get on with it. You’re so kind, I know you’re there and I’m glad you are, knowing I can speak on here and get such replies from you and the others has let me cry for the first time in months (I think I needed it).
      Love to you too xoxox

  4. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. If we only ever told people how we really feel. How about getting a rest tomorrow and doing something good to yourself instead of forcing yourself to work? Or if you know the task can’t be delayed… maybe just do that and then leave again, saying you felt sick out of the blue?
    You’re in my thoughts and I hope you’ll feel better soon xx

    1. I’ll see how it goes, if by the time I finish everything I feel like shit I’ll ask to leave early and tell them I won’t be in tomorrow. It’s awkward when you work in a job caring for others because you can’t just leave part way through the day usually in case you leave them understaffed 😦

  5. Sounds like you have the ‘mean reds’ (mummy’s favourite film is Breakfast at Tiffany’s lol)
    Definitely start looking for a new job, maybe sign up with Reed? But most of all take care of yourself. Get loads of rest, keep warm, drink lots of fluids and most of all have lots of cuddles with Toby xxx

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