Poorly sick

I’ve bitten the bullet and called in sick today, now am battling the triggers that that entails.

I went to work last night feeling appalling and told them so when I arrived. The only reason I was there was to do the things that needed to be done because I couldn’t avoid them. Half way through the last task and after coughing my guts up in the other room our Deputy said to me ‘Are you going home after you finish that?’ and I knew I was going to be able to leave.

I still did 4 of the 6 hours of my shift so I didn’t feel so guilty about leaving but…part of me hated doing it. I hate ‘letting people down’ and leaving work early to me is one of the biggest let downs following pretty closely behind not going in at all. As I was getting ready to leave they asked if I would be in today and I said that I had no idea, I would have to let them know in the morning.

Well I set my alarm last night to wake me up before 8am our deadline for ringing in ill and tried to sleep….that didn’t go so well due to the annoying voices going round in my head and my coughing fits. I woke up after the deadline by an hour or so and rang straight away…I think she was expecting the phone call to be honest and just said ‘ok, I’ll speak to you soon’ but the tone of her voice wasn’t disappointed or annoyed for which I am very grateful! Usually if I ring in sick and get the manager I can hear it in her voice that she is annoyed at me for doing it and then I spend the whole day panicking! At least at the moment I don’t have that tone resounding in my head I only have my own demons shouting at me.

Paranoia sucks. I’m sat here thinking…am I really too sick to be in work? Is all this in my head and really I’m not ill? Will they have been able to cover my shift? People will think you’re lying, you know they will everyone always does. You could have gone into work today and you know it, you can move, you can walk what’s stopping you?

Flashing back to the days when I was at school when my mother stopped believing me that I was sick and having to find ways to convince her, eventually being told that unless I had a temperature and was throwing up I would be going.

It was my own fault really, I had been faking being ill to get off school because of the bullying and she realised that I had been lying to her about it. I would use talc to make my face pale, make myself sick, make myself overheat in an attempt to have a temperature and even tried putting the thermometer in hot water (that backfired when the water was too hot and it broke spilling mercury all over). I essentially gave myself Munchausens in an attempt to not go to school :S

But ever since then I have forced myself to go to school, uni, work even when feeling crap because as far as my inner self is concerned I’m never ill enough to not go. I make myself go in the underlying hope that someone will realise and send me home because that is the only way that it won’t be my decision as to whether I am ill enough to be at home.

I feel guilty about being off and no amount of internal dialogue to try and convince myself that it is OK will work. I am never ill enough to not work.

I can feel the swelling in my throat, the pain in my ears and the confusion in my head but still….as far as that annoying little voice is concerned I could still work today.

I’m being lazy, I’m lying, I’m going to get in trouble because of it, work will struggle, the people I support will suffer because I’m not there, I’ll have to have a meeting about my illness, I’ll lose my job.

It doesn’t help that part of me doesn’t want to work at the moment, that dark little part of my mind is saying that it wants to wallow in self pity at home, give up my position and just stay at home where it’s safe and I don’t have to deal with anyone that I don’t want to.

Oh how I hate myself this morning ๐Ÿ˜ฆ


19 thoughts on “Poorly sick

  1. Oh darling, everything is so much worse when we’re physically ill. I know it makes me sink further. And everybody gets sick, especially when you work with others. They saw that you are sick, they will understand, you’re no longer that little girl, you’re not going to get into trouble for being sick. And yes, paranoia sucks big time.
    I’m really glad you took the day off work, you have been on my mind.
    Now it’s time to rug yourself up in a blanket, get out some of your dvds, hug a teddy close, and snuggle on the couch for the day.
    And know that you are cared about, and beams of healing light are being sent to you today, with lots of warm love to wrap around you too (((โ™กโ™ฅโ™ก)))

    1. I know and I keep telling myself that it’s better if I’m not there so there’s less chance of anyone else catching it but…those voices are so hard to combat especially when I’m poorly because they get so loud.
      I’ve got some dvds out, kiddy ones to comfort the kid in me whose so upset, my Toby keeps checking up on me and cuddles with him are always good.
      Thank you, I’ll try to let those beams in, love to you too xoxox

      1. I have often found that if I’m physically unwell, all my bonkers thinking and feelings get turned up to maximum volume, I think we just don’t have the energy to combat it – so it’s ‘good’ to hear someone else has this experience too, so thanks.
        I can see from your other post you are doing some very good things for yourself, keep this up, you deserve it and more.
        Does being sick affect your MS? Cause this would be another reason to take super-duper-special care of yourself. I don’t want you suffering anymore than you already are. โ™กโ™ฅโ™ก

      2. The same as everything else we go through…you don’t want to know that someone else is struggling, yet it’s comforting to know they have the same problems ๐Ÿ™‚
        I’m trying to be good to myself, lots of films, tea and sofa time a short walk with Toby for some fresh air and supplies.
        Unfortunately yes the MS is exacerbated by any illness, it’s made the fatigue and pain worse, my vision is suffering a little as is my balance….annoying very annoying. Plus because it effects my immune system it will take me longer to get over it than the average person.
        Ah well what is, is and I must accept it ๐Ÿ™„ xx

      3. I thought this may be the case with your MS, so I am even happier you are taking care, but am sorry you are suffering so much. I get really, really teary when I’m sick, become a big baby! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

      4. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m being good, rang in sick again today too. Ah it’s not that much worse than normal just that little bit more irritating.
        Oh no! I don’t blame you, I get a bit emotional when feeling crappy…been very teary these past few days. xoxox

  2. I am really glad that you are allowing yourself to take a rest. You have to, it isn’t a matter of doing it for this reason or that. You’re health depends on it sweety. I hope that you can clear your mind of work and consentrate on rest and fluids. You are in my prayers and thoughts. xx

    1. I’m trying, on the sofa with some nice films on and a bottle of Lucosade to drink. The irony of it is that now a days my mother is the first one to tell me not to go to work when I’m ill!! Talk about confusion :S Thank you hun, love to you too xoxox

      1. lol, I don’t know about everybody lol. You could really get some mixed messeges that way too lol. You should really just listen to your own body right? It is telling you to take care of it lol

    1. Thank you, I’m trying to convince myself of that…the closer the start of my shift gets the more muddled my head will be until it’s supposed to end and it will hopefully calm down. I hate being bonkers ๐Ÿ™„
      Hope you’re feeling better now xx

  3. Hope you’re feeling better soon! It is good you called in sick b/c you deserve to be taken care of. I bet Toby loves having you home with him! ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. He does ๐Ÿ™‚ he keeps sidling up to me to check up on me and if I’m awake trying to make me move to come and play with him lol. He won’t let me off his walks though even if he’s happy enough with the short ones we’ve had to do!
      Thank you, I hope it goes away soon too! xoxox

  4. If you go into work when you feel sick, you’ll take longer to get better as your body needs to rest. Plus it’s hard to focus when you feel rough and you’re more likely to make mistakes. And also, you could pass your germs to your colleagues which they won’t appreciate. So don’t feel guilty, you obviously are ill so take some time to rest up and feel better xxx

    1. I’m being good, rang in sick again today. Just had a call back from my manager and expected it to be a bollocking…instead it was just to organise something later in the week and that if I needed anything to let her know. I’m trying really hard to not let the guilty voices be too loud ๐Ÿ™‚ Toby’s looking after me and even making me get some fresh air every now and then which does help. Hope you and your mummy are ok! xx

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