I’ve bitten the bullet and called in sick today, now am battling the triggers that that entails.
I went to work last night feeling appalling and told them so when I arrived. The only reason I was there was to do the things that needed to be done because I couldn’t avoid them. Half way through the last task and after coughing my guts up in the other room our Deputy said to me ‘Are you going home after you finish that?’ and I knew I was going to be able to leave.
I still did 4 of the 6 hours of my shift so I didn’t feel so guilty about leaving but…part of me hated doing it. I hate ‘letting people down’ and leaving work early to me is one of the biggest let downs following pretty closely behind not going in at all. As I was getting ready to leave they asked if I would be in today and I said that I had no idea, I would have to let them know in the morning.
Well I set my alarm last night to wake me up before 8am our deadline for ringing in ill and tried to sleep….that didn’t go so well due to the annoying voices going round in my head and my coughing fits. I woke up after the deadline by an hour or so and rang straight away…I think she was expecting the phone call to be honest and just said ‘ok, I’ll speak to you soon’ but the tone of her voice wasn’t disappointed or annoyed for which I am very grateful! Usually if I ring in sick and get the manager I can hear it in her voice that she is annoyed at me for doing it and then I spend the whole day panicking! At least at the moment I don’t have that tone resounding in my head I only have my own demons shouting at me.
Paranoia sucks. I’m sat here thinking…am I really too sick to be in work? Is all this in my head and really I’m not ill? Will they have been able to cover my shift? People will think you’re lying, you know they will everyone always does. You could have gone into work today and you know it, you can move, you can walk what’s stopping you?
Flashing back to the days when I was at school when my mother stopped believing me that I was sick and having to find ways to convince her, eventually being told that unless I had a temperature and was throwing up I would be going.
It was my own fault really, I had been faking being ill to get off school because of the bullying and she realised that I had been lying to her about it. I would use talc to make my face pale, make myself sick, make myself overheat in an attempt to have a temperature and even tried putting the thermometer in hot water (that backfired when the water was too hot and it broke spilling mercury all over). I essentially gave myself Munchausens in an attempt to not go to school :S
But ever since then I have forced myself to go to school, uni, work even when feeling crap because as far as my inner self is concerned I’m never ill enough to not go. I make myself go in the underlying hope that someone will realise and send me home because that is the only way that it won’t be my decision as to whether I am ill enough to be at home.
I feel guilty about being off and no amount of internal dialogue to try and convince myself that it is OK will work. I am never ill enough to not work.
I can feel the swelling in my throat, the pain in my ears and the confusion in my head but still….as far as that annoying little voice is concerned I could still work today.
I’m being lazy, I’m lying, I’m going to get in trouble because of it, work will struggle, the people I support will suffer because I’m not there, I’ll have to have a meeting about my illness, I’ll lose my job.
It doesn’t help that part of me doesn’t want to work at the moment, that dark little part of my mind is saying that it wants to wallow in self pity at home, give up my position and just stay at home where it’s safe and I don’t have to deal with anyone that I don’t want to.
Oh how I hate myself this morning 😦