My body seems to finally be attacking this damn virus, the cough is waning, the throat feels less swollen, my ears hurt less….my body is definitely fighting back.
However..this morning for some reason I went deaf in my left ear, I think it was due to some kind of build up because it has come back when I try and make it pop or (sorry to say this) I stick my finger in and give it a good wiggle around.
So now that a few battles seem to have been won and the war is going in my favour I am going back to work tomorrow. Now tomorrow is a strange shift and ohhh how I wish I could tell you about it. I will debate as to whether I can say anything about it after the fact because it’s going to be one where it won’t be about the people I support but about who I had met/done that day, that line is a confusing blur sometimes.
I’m dreading going back, but at the same time know that I have to. It’s done me good these few days, not feeling any pressure to do anything that wasn’t for me, sitting on my sofa watching films, stitching, drinking tea, playing with my dog (when I had the energy) and shock horror managing to do some washing up! It’s done my body good and my mind as well and just reiterated to me that this job is not good for me any more and something has to change.
I have to admit something…I don’t want to work at the moment. I never thought I would say that and I know that if I wasn’t working I would hate it…but at the moment I don’t want to work. My mind can’t take it, my body is struggling and all in all it seems to be more harmful than it would be to be one of those scabs who lives off benefits when they have no reason to not work.
Why is it people who struggle to work will fight tooth and nail to do so, but those who are healthy are happy to lie through their arses and do NOTHING their entire lives!? I know half (if not more) of the people on my estate are unemployed and some of them never have been! My next door neighbour is the exception…he was made redundant and now can’t find another permanent job, he searches and searches, hates that he can’t find anything and yet the scabs use him for free labour on their cars.
I’m hunting, not full blown ‘I must find a job’ hunting but I’m looking to see if there is anything out there. But what can I do? I thought this job fit me perfectly and technically it should…now the paranoia is telling me that nothing will ever work, that I will never find a job that I will manage without damaging myself.
Maybe once I get back into therapy and I manage to calm my mind down I will be happy in my job again. Maybe then I will be able to find the confidence to look for another possibility. Maybe I should just give in, pester my GP within an inch of their sanity about all the problems I’ve been having and just get signed off again because I have a horrible feeling they would be more than willing to do it.
I need to sort myself out. Body and soul I am damaged, my body I have no hope for but my mind? well I have to cling to the thought that my mind can be salvaged and I won’t be plagued by the black dog and cheshire cat any longer.