Panic stations

I’m getting ready to do an evening shift, after last time this does not hold any appeal.

Since I woke this morning my body has been in panic mode, my arms are shaking and there is a knot in my stomach leading to my IBS kicking off. Anyone who has experienced that joy will know how much fun it is, anyone who hasn’t, well I don’t think describing it here will help.

I don’t want to go.

I just called my manager to find out what the roads are like and she did not really help ‘They’re slippy, but no worse than anywhere else, I’ve been driving on it all week so it’s not too bad’ with a tone in her voice that made it clear she thought I was being stupid to ring her about it. Oh and with the added joy that I will have to act as a taxi tonight for the people I support to a place I’ve never been before. I’ve just found it google maps (thank fuck for google maps) and it should be easy but I don’t know about parking when we get there.

My body is in panic mode and I can’t seem to shake it, I’m being mindful of the thoughts popping into my mind but…I can’t tackle them and there seems to be no way of making them just go away.

I’m counting down the minutes to when I have to leave my safe little cocoon and my little piece of sanity that is Toby for hours of mental and physical torture.

Please let the snow stay away, let the world around me warm up just enough for the snow and ice to go away, let me get this shift over and done with with no problems. Please.

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22 thoughts on “Panic stations

    1. It wasn’t as bad as I thought…once I got off my street everything was ok until I got to theirs…and it was a lot better than mine even so. Sorry to hear you and your mummy had to turn back today hopefully tomorrow you’ll have an easier time of it! xox

    1. I think they must have been listening to us both up there today, once I got going (with a little help from my neighbour bless him) everything was fine. I’m home again now and just hoping this weather will calm down sooner than they say it will. Thank you hun xoxox

  1. One big breath, focus……..find that center..you know where it is. put the panic in a box. And hell yes for google maps. sending you warm snow melting hugs (((((HUG)))). as much as controling everything would be grant sometimes even i say WTF and roll with it.
    Always light for you
    Benjamin

    1. I think I must have been hearing you in my head while I was out, I found that centre once I left the house and my neighbour had given me a push to get me going (bless him he’s a nice man to have next door). The hug might not have melted the snow but Thank you it was nice to see when I got home 🙂 xoxox

  2. I know the ‘fun’ you describe, and the anxiety, and berating. You would already be at work, I hope, but you have been in my thoughts.
    You had a really frightening experience the other day, it’s normal to not want to replay that day. And it’s normal to feel anxious thinking about it. Anybody would, but your situation makes all this a hundred times worse, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Every day that you go into work, you are being brave and standing up to your demons. You have nothing to prove, you’ve already done that, by forging the life you have. Your manager’s reaction may have nothing to do with you, she may be just taking a bad day out on you, which she shouldn’t, but we all do this sometimes.
    Be gentle with yourself when you get home, and let us know you are safe.
    My love to you xox

    1. Thank you dear one, I’m home again now and very glad to be back on my sofa with Toby. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the other day or as I was imagining. I couldn’t get going in my car and my next door neighbour came and offered to give me a push to get it moving (I couldn’t believe he offered without me having to ask, there really are some nice people around). But once I got started everything went pretty smoothly…the anxiety was still there but my ‘work head’ coped with it.
      Time to relax now, watching some bad telly and having a cup of tea.
      I hope you’re ok, my love to you too xoxox

      1. Thanks for letting me know you’re okay, I have been worried about you, but also had faith you would manage. You are stronger than you know.
        Have a good rest.
        Love to you ♡

      2. I knew people would be so I had to turn on my computer and let you all know. I’m glad you had faith in me…I had very little and still do I know I should be out to get some bits like bread and milk but I can’t make myself do it. Thank you for being here, it means so much to me xox

  3. I wish I had a way to comfort you. You do sound like today is a bad day. I hope it improved and your shift was without incident. Hang in there. They say it gets better–I think that applies to anything.

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