Things aren't going well today

Ignore the fact this is about a relationship…this is the song that has been going around in my head this afternoon in regards to work, to the street I live on, my life in general.

You know what this rather angsty album from Buffy the vampire slayer is still around in my collection somewhere and listening to those songs again on Youtube…they’re fitting how I feel today pretty perfectly.

I fought so hard to get here and now…I don’t want it I can’t cope with any of it any more I just want to hide in my house with no contact from anyone again. I can’t cope with the other people in this world, I can’t cope with the stressors that are piling up on me. The avalanche I spoke to isn’t just looming any more I can hear it rumbling about my ears.

I still haven’t heard anything from the mental health team about getting in to see them, not even a letter to acknowledge the fact that I am on their waiting list. The anxiety is becoming bad, that constant nagging feeling in my chest, that cheshire cat is re-materialising and his claws are out.

I can see myself walking in tomorrow and telling L my manager that I need to talk to her. Going down into that basement office and just blurting it out….

‘I can’t do it any more, you and I both know I’m no good for these girls the way I am, I have to quit. You can keep me on the books as supply staff and I will come in when you need the help but working here the way I am…I just can’t do it any more.’

Interspersed with a ridiculous amount of ‘sorry’s and lots of tears more than likely but I can’t stop thinking that I have to do it. But do I go to my doctor first and see if I can get signed off? Do I just quit? Do I hang on until I can find another job? Or do I just do what I have always done and keep going and going and going until I break?

I’m tearing my hear out or more accurately stripping my fingers of all their cuticles and other little painful things that bring tiny bits of comfort for the few seconds while I do them.

It’s getting back to the point where I’m screaming in my head and when I got back from walking Toby this evening as I came into the kitchen I felt one build up in my throat and the only thing that stopped it coming out was the constriction in my throat and mouth that wouldn’t let it come out except for the tiniest squeak from the back of my nose.

What they say, does it make you feel ashamed, isn’t everyone the same, doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your idea….

you got that right boyo.

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12 thoughts on “Things aren't going well today

  1. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.
    Could you ring the mental health team and explain this is urgent, or see your doctor and get him/her to intervene for you?
    From my experience, it’s not good to make decisions when I am low, I often regret them later. You are unwell. Instead of resigning, is there any way you could take leave without pay, go on a benefit for a few weeks?
    If a close friend of yours was experiencing what you are now, what would you suggest they do?
    You are in my heart and thoughts, I hope you find some peace today. ♡

    1. I don’t have the number for the new psych people I’m being referred to so I’ll have to go through my GP…they wanted to see me sometime anyway so I think I’ll ring them tomorrow and see if I can get in to see someone.
      I got told after my last virus when I had time off that if I had any more time off before april I’d get into trouble…not that I care that much at the moment but I don’t know if I would be able to just ask them for time off because it would leave them short staffed. I have no idea what I would tell them to do other than look for a new job 😦
      Thank you, you’ve been in mine today too hunny xoxox

  2. can you call and confirm with the team that this matter has been taken care of? As a person who kept going in day after day to work even though I was so bad off my doctor was begging me to quit, I am really concerned for you. I am worried about your physcial and mental health. When I ended up finally walking out of my job, I was at the beginning of a major mental, emotional breakdown that has changed my life forever. I’m not at all educated about how your mental health/disibility system works there, but if you were here, with that MS and your mental issues, you would be a shoe in for getting the benefits. If you can at all live without your job financially, I really think you should quit. At least take a break and stay home long enough for the snow to melt and for you to recouperate. Then maybe look for something that would be less stressful and didn’t require too much of you.
    I just fear that if you don’t do something before it is too late, it may have lasting effects. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but I am just worried xx

    1. I’ll have to go through my GP as I don’t have the number for the new team I’m being referred to. You’d think I’d be able to get benefits pretty easily…but not at the moment. I have DLA coming in but it’s not enough to live off and getting any other help is usually savings related. I have too much money in savings so they wouldn’t give me anything other than national insurance credits (for health care and pension really) like last time I was unemployed.
      Try not to worry, I’ve been through this before in a similar way to you and I’ve come out the other side in one piece, sort of. I’ll manage it again.
      Thank you though hun xoxox

      1. I was just worried, I hope I wasn’t offensive by what I said. I know that you realize what your options are. I hope that you don’t think I was meddling too much xx

      2. Ah of course not don’t be daft, it’s always good to hear if people are thinking along the same lines as me or if they can come up with different ideas. I appreciate you being here 🙂 xox

      3. 8-10 weeks, 8-10 weeks till I will be able to see someone. I rang around the houses just now and found out. Then burst into tears when I hung up the phone. 😦
        I’m not as low as I was last night…but I think if my manager is there today I think I will have to speak to her and possibly give my notice.

  3. Sorry today has been rough 😦 I don’t really know what to tell you. Last job I had I quit b/c it was driving me crazy and ruining my health. I was only casual anyway but they didn’t want me to leave. But there was no way I was staying and keeping my sanity too! So, I’m not really sure what to say except your health is important and needs to be valued. Of course money is always an issue but you need to look after yourself too. I don’t know. Sorry I’m not more helpful! Hugs to you.

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