Ignore the fact this is about a relationship…this is the song that has been going around in my head this afternoon in regards to work, to the street I live on, my life in general.
You know what this rather angsty album from Buffy the vampire slayer is still around in my collection somewhere and listening to those songs again on Youtube…they’re fitting how I feel today pretty perfectly.
I fought so hard to get here and now…I don’t want it I can’t cope with any of it any more I just want to hide in my house with no contact from anyone again. I can’t cope with the other people in this world, I can’t cope with the stressors that are piling up on me. The avalanche I spoke to isn’t just looming any more I can hear it rumbling about my ears.
I still haven’t heard anything from the mental health team about getting in to see them, not even a letter to acknowledge the fact that I am on their waiting list. The anxiety is becoming bad, that constant nagging feeling in my chest, that cheshire cat is re-materialising and his claws are out.
I can see myself walking in tomorrow and telling L my manager that I need to talk to her. Going down into that basement office and just blurting it out….
‘I can’t do it any more, you and I both know I’m no good for these girls the way I am, I have to quit. You can keep me on the books as supply staff and I will come in when you need the help but working here the way I am…I just can’t do it any more.’
Interspersed with a ridiculous amount of ‘sorry’s and lots of tears more than likely but I can’t stop thinking that I have to do it. But do I go to my doctor first and see if I can get signed off? Do I just quit? Do I hang on until I can find another job? Or do I just do what I have always done and keep going and going and going until I break?
I’m tearing my hear out or more accurately stripping my fingers of all their cuticles and other little painful things that bring tiny bits of comfort for the few seconds while I do them.
It’s getting back to the point where I’m screaming in my head and when I got back from walking Toby this evening as I came into the kitchen I felt one build up in my throat and the only thing that stopped it coming out was the constriction in my throat and mouth that wouldn’t let it come out except for the tiniest squeak from the back of my nose.
What they say, does it make you feel ashamed, isn’t everyone the same, doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your idea….
you got that right boyo.