waiting another 8-10 weeks

two months

two bloody months

two more bloody months on top of the two months I’ve already waited to speak to someone

how can they expect me to keep going?

I’ve booked to see a GP next week but…I’m spiralling down that pit

faster and faster the darkness is growing as I slide down that slope embedded as it is with spikes of pain.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my life. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle made of anguish, as each piece slides into place the picture of horror in my mind becomes clearer and the end shows its horrible face.

It took three phone calls to find out what the hell was going on and after the third the tears began. They stopped quickly for which I should be grateful but…in their place I’ve been left with a hollow in my stomach and a pain in my head.

How could they? how could they make me wait for so long? I told them this was coming and they can’t have heard me. I told them it was happening and yet still I’m made to sit here, alone, with only my own voices to listen to and they are evil.

I need to scream. I need…..I have no idea what I need.


10 thoughts on “waiting…

  1. That’s terrible. When you reach out for help they shouldn’t make you wait so long for it!
    When you see your doctor really stress how bad you feel, maybe they can pull some strings for you.
    Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

    1. That’s what I’m hoping, either that or I ring the emergency number I was given and let them know how shit things are going, or both. Thank you, I really appreciate it šŸ™‚ xox

  2. I’m so awfully sorry this is happening / has happened. That’s irresponsible of them šŸ˜¦
    I really don’t know what to say but please know that I’m thinking of you and carrying you around in my head and heart. Maybe screaming would really help? Hugs xxxxx

    1. I’ve had the same problem with other people posts, I want to comfort them somehow but when we’re low there are just no words. I’ve been thinking of you too and hoping things have settled a little over your way. Want to join me in a full throat scream? It might be worth a try :/ Love and hugs to you xox

      1. I’m afraid I can’t even scream anymore. Haven’t in years. Just can’t. But don’t let this discourage you šŸ˜‰ Screaming with you in my mind and cheering you on xxx

  3. I can see you are really hurting, and you have done everything you can to ask for help, which must have been very hard to do. The system has let you down, as it seems to do worldwide.
    We do have crisis intervention mental health teams here, but I understand too well the difficulties associated with taking that step.
    ‘The squeaky wheel gets the oil’ ~ unfortunately, for people like us who live alone, we need to be our own advocates at a time when this feels like the last thing we are capable of doing, but I would urge you to keep ringing, and even try for an emergency appointment with your GP.
    I wonder too, you must have an MS organization there, these people can be very good supports, even for your mental health issues as these conditions are often closely related. Also, these organizations will often advocate for you, use their contacts to help you through the system.
    You will get through this, you are stronger than you realise.
    You are in my heart today. xox

    1. I won’t give in to intervention until….well I have no choice for reasons I know you understand all too well.
      I see my GP on Tuesday, it’s the soonest I can get in since it’s the weekend now and I’ll squeak as loud as I can at them, I just hope I can make myself say it.
      My MS nurses are good but unfortunately I think they only have sway with the Liaison psych people that I dealt with before through them, the psychological therapies section that I’m waiting on now are completely separate. I can probably talk to them even if they can’t help me get to see anyone sooner.
      I just hate the amount of time it takes to get anywhere, how many hoops I’m having to jump through šŸ˜¦ they seem to be never ending. As it is this wait will only take me up to another assessment to see what they can do. If I had the money I’d go private and see if that helped…but at the moment that’s not an option.
      You’ve been in my mind and heart today as well dear one xox

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