Losing an alliance

WordPress will never be the same for me. A lady that I have become close to, friends with and care about is leaving this little community and…I’m distraught! She’s closed her blog and gone with a simple goodbye message I could not reply to and tell her I will miss her but I hope it’s the right choice for her.

Our little wordpress family is struggling, people are finding it hard to talk, to write, to reply and now when I open this webpage I feel different about it. BUT I’m going to keep coming here, keep writing and you never know I might find more people who are on my wavelength because it is a lifeline, one I must hold onto.

I never expected this blog to become so meaningful to me, it was just a place to vent some things that were in my mind and to read some interesting things from other people. How could I be so naive? I’ve always become attached to any online forum I’ve joined and I should have known this would be the same. Is it healthy though, that is the real question because as helpful as I’ve always found it to be able to speak to people on the internet when I can’t make myself talk in real life….it takes over.

I’ve always had an obsession with the internet whether it’s gaming or chat rooms, forums or blogs it’s always the same I form an attachment to the community and when it dissipates (as it always does) I am left feeling empty and like I’ve failed. Being bad at relationships with other humans is a form of torture and I do wonder what I’ve done wrong to deserve being the way I am. I really have no idea why I show these Borderline traits, most people have some huge trauma that explains it all but if I do….I can’t remember it. Could this all really be because of being bullied? Has my life been so hard that I’m scarred when it comes to relationships forever? I look back on my life and I see very few friendships that have been steady and healthy usually only with other people with scars who understand.

Anyway I digress…I am going to miss Artyelf and I only hope that one day she will come back and tell us all how she is doing. More importantly I hope that her leaving this blog was not a sign that she will be leaving this world because it will be poorer without her in it in a way I don’t think she could ever realise. She will be in my thoughts often and I will still be sending her my love across the oceans.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Losing an alliance

      1. Free hugs?? count me in! lol
        I’m just hoping she’s still seeing the lovely H and eventually she’ll come back.
        Right…time for those (((((hugs)))))) 🙂

      2. ((((((((:-))))))) yep H is good for her, and she’s dropped off the map before so who knows, but it’s never fun AT ALL to lose one of the WP peeps 😦 especially the good ones.

      3. I’ve heard from her and she’s ok just needs a break, blogging was making her feel worse 😦 but she’s still around just not writing or commenting much (there’s a comment on here from her with the full explanation). It’s hard but I understand when people do back off from here because it does sort of take over. Xox

  1. I was thrown into that state this morning upon seeing the goodbye messages from Elyn. I also sat and wondered whether it is really safe to get so attached to people here when they can just log off and never come back on; seemingly with little thought for the huge gap they are leaving behind. And not just the gap, the worry. I think I am angry with worry. I didn’t know who I could talk to about it but reading this has made me see you are feeling similar loss/confusion/’should-i-be-doing-this-anymore’ thoughts…. Thanks for writing about it and in that way, reaching out to me and anyone else who may be feeling the same way. I hope you know you can text me at any time xx

    1. I was about the say the same thing, was going to text and ask if you’d heard last night but didn’t want to worry you before you went to sleep if you hadn’t.
      I just had to say something because she will be sorely missed on here if she really doesn’t come back.
      I’ve decided to keep on going with the blog, search out some new people to read and maybe less mental health related ones. There are still too many of us here I would miss if I upped and left!
      I hope you’re ok ((hugs)) xox

  2. I am sorry.
    I didn’t mean to cause this distress, and I really didn’t think anyone would miss me, I am just another blogger.

    When I started blogging I didn’t research it enough. I wanted to write, and be heard. But I had no idea blogging was really another form of social media.

    Yes, I met lovely people like you and others, and have learnt a great deal and felt supported, but the interaction has always been difficult for me. I feel a responsibility to comment on blogs who have commented on mine, and to read their words which often trigger me. And I worry when I leave comments – have I said the right thing? Are they okay? Have I shown them they are heard? Will my comment harm them?

    On top of this responsibility I feel, there is always the worry of new people who follow my blogs, especially if they are from my country – are they linked to the family? why are they following me? will they learn behaviours from my words and imitate?

    And I write so frequently, there is not enough time in therapy to examine my thoughts properly. My writing was supposed to be a tool for my therapy, instead, it is pushing things in all directions too quickly, and I am feeling huge amounts of responsibility for others, and guilt that I’m not doing enough, reading enough, commenting enough, being a good friend enough – whilst also fighting my delusions of unreality, and feeling I am the one who placed myself in this position of making everything worse. You have read my blogs, you know I struggle with believing in the reality of others, this is why I was able to ‘up and leave’, blogging is part of unreality to me, and also the bloggers.

    I woke this morning at my usual 3.30am, and thought, ‘No, I don’t have to write anymore’. And you know what happened? I went back to sleep. I didn’t have the knot in my stomach worrying about others or what I was about to reveal in my writing.

    I need a break. I need time away to assess if my thinking about blogging is correct, and perhaps find a way to still blog but be more balanced and mindful of my own needs. I have started a new very private blog, without the option for others to comment. If I feel safe enough I may make it public.

    You have been a good ‘friend’, and always kind to me. I hope this comment explains my actions to you and others. I haven’t just forgotten you, I will still be reading, but I will be making myself refrain from commenting for a while.

    E

    1. Thank you for explaining things Elyn, I hope I didn’t make you feel too bad I was just a little shocked and worried about you more than anything. I’m glad you’re still writing and seeing the lovely H, I really do understand that you need a break, I’ve felt you pulling away and struggling more and more recently…if this is what you need to do then I’m just happy to know you’re ok and still around in the ether 🙂
      Here’s hoping you have many more nights of less disrupted sleep and things will calm down a little now. I’m still thinking of you and will be sending you thoughts of love and peace each day xox

  3. I haven’t lost any reader yet, I know the time will come when someone I care a lot will just stop blogging because either life catches up with them of because they feel the need to close that chapter. I often (specially lately) feel tempted to just stop blogging, is very time consuming if you wanna do it. I, like you, tend to get attached to people over the internet, I know I shouldn’t but I still do. I met my other person online, we’ve been together for 7 years already.
    I’m glad you’ve decided to stay, I would miss you and get really worried if you decided to leave.
    Keep it up Mel.
    xx

    1. I met three of my ex’s over the internet…that’s another post that will pop up at some point. I’m so glad yours has worked out so well! I’m still here and now I’ve heard from the lady I was speaking about I’m much happier knowing she did it for all the right reasons and to make her life better 🙂 I hope you stick around a while longer too! xox

  4. I can relate to a lot of what you say here about your online friendships. I’m sad to see Elyn leave, too, and just when I’m returning to blogging, but I understand the need for a break. I feel guilty when I don’t read and comment on every blog I follow, too. But we’ve got to take care of ourselves first, right? I got sucked so much into blogging that it became almost my whole life after a while. But I had to work on my novel, too. (And I still need to work on my writing.)

    Still, blogging is helpful for me; plus, I do treasure my blogging friendships and am always sad to see someone leave. I’ve formed valuable relationships here, and I hope they’ll continue to hold. I have a tendency to commit faux pas (is that the plural form, too?) and get too attached because I’ve never really had friends during my life, not more than sparingly. There are other factors, too, but I think that’s a big one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s