Suffocating memories **Trigger warning**

I had a flashback this morning and I’ve tried to start writing this so many times but I keep distracting myself from it…it’s not a fun memory.

I was a Brownie, for those of you that don’t know Brownies are the younger version of Girl Guides a part of the Scouting movement. I joined them as soon as I was old enough and we met every week to do crafts, play games and earn badges.

1990 Brownie Uniform


Snazzy uniforms hey? I can’t find a picture here of me in mine they’re all at my parents so I snaffled this from a woman who has written a history of the Girl Guide movement.

I joined with three girls from my school, the same three who ended up swapping friendships every two minutes and excluding me then including me then teasing me….well you get the idea, they didn’t help with my people issues.

Ok so the memory….I’m babbling because my mind is struggling with finding a way to let me type up this draft.

It was a normal meeting as far as I remember and we were playing a game that involved us all running around the church hall chasing each other before we settled down to some crafting.

Somehow I ended up on the floor lying face down with M a girl twice my size from the year above me sat on my back. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t throw her off and I was screaming for help. M was laughing and the other girls around us were too, they found it hilarious that she had pinned me and I was struggling to get out from underneath her. I craned my head around to find the Leaders shouting for them to help me with tears streaming down my face but they were stood at the other end of the hall chatting amongst themselves.

Finally M had obviously had enough fun and got off my back and only then did the leaders notice there was something wrong, one of them had walked back into the room and seen me on the floor in tears. I remember trying to run out of the door to see if my dad was still there as he had not long since dropped me off and being brought back into the room. I begged them to call my parents to come and get me but in those days not many people had mobile phones and they didn’t want to use the Church phone if it wasn’t an emergency. I ended up having to stay for the rest of the meeting, moving to another ‘Six’ or group so I wasn’t with M and avoiding her as much as possible even though they made her apologise.

The memories surrounding this event are sketchy but little snippets come through.

The end of the meeting came and my dad picked me up with me telling him what had happened as we walked down the hall to the outside and into the car.

When we got home either I or my dad must have told my mum and she sped off back to the church hall to speak to the Leaders.

She told them I was no longer coming to Brownies.

I was due to go on the first ever weekend away that our Brownie group had gone on and I was devastated, my child mind didn’t want to accept that she had done what was best for me and I tried desperately to convince her to let me go.

I never went back to Brownies after that, I never finished the badges I had planned and yet again I had ended up becoming segregated from that group of girls.

I became anย honoraryย cub as my mum was the Akela of the cub pack (the leader) and in those days girls couldn’t join them properly. I helped out with the pack for years until I became too busy with other things.

Thinking about this memory has made me feel like I’m suffocating all over again but it comes without bidding every so often as much as I wish it wouldn’t.

I have no idea how to get over this memory other than trying to augment it in my mind and well that feels like lying to myself which I do enough as it is.





20 thoughts on “Suffocating memories **Trigger warning**

    1. More than likely. We went all through school together including band and I know she’s not a bad person. I don’t blame her for this so much as the Leaders…they should have been watching, they shouldn’t have let it go so far.I think it’s why I get so annoyed at people in that sort of position who don’t pay attention.
      Thank you hun, (((hugs))) back to you too xx

  1. Well, the way I would deal with it is to make it logical in my mind. The actual event, as far as I can understand, is that a bigger girl than you restrained you on the floor until you were unable to breathe, and then held you there. I guess you felt scared, terrified in fact, like any child would. Some memories like this stick in our minds and others just as bad are not significant. So why is this memory so significant to you? Try to think why this event, which in the grand scheme of things, should not be a major event in your life (I don’t mean to play it down, I’m sure it was horrific, but try to think about how you would react now to the incident) has stuck in your mind, and caused such an impact so many years on?

  2. Memories like this are not fun and I am sorry this one is plaguing you and causing you pain. Sending you loads of comfort and love. xxx

    1. Thanks for the hugs Benjamin, it wasn’t right and it’s so annoying that the memory keeps popping up in my mind, luckily it’s not so often that I can’t cope with it. xx

    1. It’s one I think I may have to tackle if it doesn’t go away again soon…but I keep getting a vague impression that one of my friends did try to tell her to stop…I hope it’s right. Thanks for the hugs ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

  3. Well You sound like you had a hard time. I too had a bad experience with scouting but mine, was kind of the Opposite and it was pretty interesting, especially since I enjoyed the girl scouts a lot better.
    Both my older brother and older sister were going thru scouts my brother being 2 years older than me and my sister being 4 years older than me. my brother had just gotten out of cub scouts and I was unsure where my sister was in her scouting. I think she was in the middle of the actual girl scouts(About girl scouts Junior by today’s ranking) anyways My father finally decided to enroll me into one of the boy scout troops since it was just down the road and they didn’t have to take me so I went for about 3 times and it seemed alright but on the 4th time I started getting a couple of the other boys messing with me, we were building something and the boy of the den leader actually came over and pounded it with his fist. it was something to do with popcicle sticks is what I remember and the den leader which was this kids mother was in cooking dinner instead of paying attention to us, I hollered for her to see and she told me to just keep building. I started re building after he destroyed it the first time and then another one of them came over and wrecked it and then took some of my sticks.
    again I hollered for the Den leader but she ignored me after I left and went home in the middle of the whole ordeal I told my mother and she called up the den leader and told her off kind of softly though. so it just really preterbed me.

    about 3 months later though my sister was getting ready to sell the cookies, she was getting to the age where she I guess wasn’t as cute selling cookies, Kinda sad for a girl if you know what I mean. well anyways I cam home from school one of the days and saw my sister and one of her friends going over the cookies. they had sold about 8 boxes in all and it had been a week into the whole thing. I grabbed one of her boxes kinda jokingly and went up to my sisters friend’s mom and my mom, Put on a cute face and was like “Would you like to buy a box of cookies” I got AWWED after from both moms and my sister and her friend.
    my mom gave me the money for that box and I gave her the box. then ran over and gave my sister the money and smiled. then I ran to my room happy as could be thinking I was awsome.

    I played with my brother and our cars on the floor for the rest of that night and right before bed my sister sticks her head in “We have a supprise for you tomarrow” and she closed the door.

    The next day after school I come home and sit down to watch cartoons, my sister and her friend were in her room doing some planning I guess, then she calls me back there. I walk into her room and both of them kinda ambush me, strip me of all my clothes to include my underwear and then put me into my sisters old underwear and brownie scout uniform. along with the hat, a new sash with 5 different patches on it and the hat. she even had her old shoes and some white socks to go with. I honestly think some of it was her friends, younger sisters clothes since she was about my same size and also in girl scouts. They said I would get a box o cookies for myself if I helped them sell the cookies, so I did. I also found the girl scout uniform more comfortable than the boyscout uniform so I really didn’t complain. and I had fun going around with them selling the cookies.

    We ended up selling over 600 boxes of cookies between all 3 of us in the time that we were able to sell them. after that I asked if I could go with my sister to some of her meets and they allowed me to, I some how ended up going to meets with the sister of my sister’s friend since she was the same age as me. At the 3rd meet the leader told me that I would need to wear the uniform to continue comming. I at this time did have kind of a girlie appearance compared to most boys, especially since my hair was a bit longer as well. I didn’t think much of it though but I knew that she would be probably talking to my mother and that would be the end of me going there since she would find out that I was a boy. but she also already knew my name and its John.
    AKA Johny called by my mother and sister.
    well, the meet ended and my mother actually came to pick us up and talk to the leader, so me and jessica (My sisters friend’s sister) sat and played for about an hour afterwards in the living room.
    the parents would peak out once in a while to check on us. I heard them over talking a little about me being a boy and the GS leader saying she already knew that. she also said that I fit in so well but I needed to make sure I looked the part more the less. that bit is all I remember out of the whole thing cause I was more busy playing. so the time came when we were to head home. we got up and hopped in the car. Jessica on what I thought was on the way to her house was worried that I wasn’t going to go with her to scouts and kept asking my mom if I am still going to get to go.
    Instead of going to her house we went to my house instead and her mother was there, along with her older sister. my mom told us to go in and watch cartoons so we did. my sister kept going back and forth between her room and our parents. as I also noticing her carrying some of the uniform I wore back when I was helping her and her friend out.
    a while later after all 4 of them (Both moms and older sisters were in my moms room. Jessica’s sister calls out for both of us to come in. we both go in and they had a full uniform and new socks and shoes, along with girls underwear laying on the bed. the looked at me and asked me if I really liked the girl scouts. I smiled and was very certain I liked it. it was 10 times better than the boy scouts in my opinion. I really honestly didn’t completly understand what they were getting at right then but I didn’t seem to ahve to worry too much.
    My sister asked me next, “Did you like going around selling cookies with us?” I blurted out “I loved it!” Jessica standing next to me started giggling at my enthusiastic reply. the parents and sisters were smiling. now before this my mother didn’t really see me in the girl scout uniform but Jessica’s mother did a couple times, I remember that because she thought I looked as cute as Jessica in it and was also the one to sugest me to go with them to Jessica’s meets, come to find out.
    So my mother hands my sister the undies on the bed and Jessica’s sister starts pulling off my clothes again, the sad part is they asked Jessica to help and she went strait for the underwear and pulled them down. anyways I ended up in the outfit again and to my surprise. they were all happy with how I looked. I honestly didn’t know how I looked in it until my mom pulled me in front of her mirror, “Awwa now I have two beautiful girls.” My mom statted looking in the Mirror with me.
    we walked back over to the side of the bed with the others and jessica’s mom smiled “Now you can come with us to girl scouts every week, and we even have you fully enrolled but you will be called Jennifer there, ok?” I was real happy that I still got to go so I hopped around some and said ok and as doing so started hugging Jessica while still hopping as she began hopping with me.
    so the next meet came and I wore my new/used uniform since it was my sisters before. I just didn’t have the sash that I had before. that was quickly resolved by the GS leader presenting me with my own new sash to put patches on.
    I got to stay in this troop for about 2 years and I even went to the camping trip with them twice. I got to know girl scouts very well and enjoyed it a lot. most the parents seemed to know I was a boy but didn’t seem to care really. and this was in the 80’s but I have noticed its not really the women that care much about the different sex its the men that are more sexist, now don’t get me wrong there are a few females that are sexist in that regards as well but not nearly as many especially to a young child.
    anyways we eventually moved and I ended up not getting a chance to get back into girl scouts again but I still kept the uniform for the longest.
    on the camping trips at the camp grounds, yes I basically had to wear the required girls clothes all the time and I even bunked in the same room as the other girls, we had a lot of fun and no one seemed to treat me any different than any of the other girls. we even went swimming. I did wear a girl’s swim suit that one of the other girls gave me. I didn’t bring one due to the whole me being a genetic boy bit and my mom thought some things would show. but there were a few activities that required us to go in the lake, so I ended up going in anyways, probably with one of the girliest swimsuits I had ever seen as well, From what I remember about it the swimsuit was mainly pink, on both sides where most of them have the seam this one was open with about 4 bows holding the front and back together in different colors and the sholder straps were made in the same manner they looked like a big bow that went over my shoulder with the ends of the bow sewen to the suit and the middle of the bow on the top of my shoulder.
    the embarrassing part is while I was getting it on the room leader came over and actually put her hand in my swimsuit and tucked it partially under and made it look like nothing was there.
    she said. “From now on when you wear girls clothes it would be best if I did that.” I think I turned Beat red after that.
    I quickly recovered from that whole thought and went out with my friends and played in the lake. there were many days of fun to come and I really liked going swimming out there.
    one day came though that the girl that gave me the swim suit asked for it so I gave it to her.
    she wore it out swimming one day and came back in. I was doing crafts most that day so I didn’t really see her much until near night time. I came back in and saw it hanging off my bunk again and asked her about it. “I thought you wanted it back?” she replied to me “I just needed to use it today cause I got food on my swim suit, thanks for letting me barrow it, it is yours now though. I just figured since you were doing crafts today that I could use it.” I smiled and blurted out. “you can use it any time you like.” she sat on her bed. “Thanks … you can barrow mine any time too, if yours gets dirty.” I kinda nodded and laid down in my bed,

    Jessica came in all wet from swimming about 5 minutes later and found out she had a rip in her swim suit. and both me and the other girl offered her ours any time we are not using them. we both kinda smiled at each other. from that day I thought I had the best friends in the world and they had no care of what I had below, I was considered one of the group.

    but like I said about 2 years and we ended up moving but that was and still is the best times in my life. I honestly wish I could go back in and work with the girl scouts again but almost think I wouldn’t be accepted like I was before, I act kinda girlish now and I get weird looks from some people, especially guys but that I can understand, a lot of the others just kinda shrug it off, but I honestly enjoy life as a girl more than a boy, and yea I have found out that even before all this happened I acted and was more Girlish than boyish. I have discovered that I’m trans gendered as well and also that I would have eventually probably had to get out of the girl scouts anyways due to their Sexist rules.
    well it was fun while it lasted though and would I do it again if I knew what I was doing and all that, yes if I could. I find most men’s clothes to be bland now days as well I honestly think I should have been born a girl and not a boy.
    will I ever get a chance to go back in to Girl scouts even as a leader? probably not.

    Thought I would share this story with you and my past life experience that I enjoyed.
    sorry yours wasn’t so fun and I hope you find a better path that you can enjoy.
    and get rid of the bad memories you had about your time in scouts.
    I think there are some good and some bad in every group and organization. I think the biggest reason I remember what happened before that is because it led me into the chance to go into the other in a way.

    1. Wow! Thank you for sharing this with me, I’m so glad you found a place to belong and be accepted even if you couldn’t carry on when you moved it sounds like you had a great time with the girls in your troop while you were with them! The rules have changed completely now and so long as the group says yes then boys can join Brownies and girls can join cubs…things slowly change ๐Ÿ™‚ Ohhh you’re actually going through the change? I have a friend from Uni who is transgender as well, I remember the first time I helped her dress as a girl and being soooo jealous of their legs!! She started off as a drag queen and soon realised he should really be a she so is now going down that long path.
      You were so lucky to have a mum and sister who understood and helped you in that time, I hope they’re still so supportive ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

      1. yea I have noticed the rules have changed and they let the other kids in as well. Im actually kind of glad that I was invited in when I was for a couple reasons, the time I was allowed in I was still young and at the right age. and I also figure it kind of showed that a boy could act as a girl and do the fun stuff with girls as well without being a trouble maker. Corse it might be cause of my yearning for being a girl that I was able to do that but who knows. I do think that if it was any other normal boy they probably would have made a nuisance of themselves

        I wish I could proceed more on the path to changing right now but I’m honestly kind of stuck. one I’m out of a job so no money cumming in and I honestly would love to be even a drag queen, even more so a show girl. I have had the opportunity to be a show girl and was actually doing it for about 4 months.
        untill I came to work seeing the place that I worked burnning to the ground. they said it was a Kitchen fire.
        it was fun and I had a good number of fallowers. I did that shortly after I moved out of my fathers house. not to mention my father is a Military man an also big on christianity, my grand mother tries to claim that I have demons inside of me that have been making me do all this HAHA!
        some people and their beliefs.
        well I’m trying not to make this too long.
        I also had another experience in High school that I could tell that was interesting but would be long as well.

        anyways the second reason I haven’t proceeded us is I moved back in with my mother to help her with her day care and she doesn’t want that whole ordeal shown around the kids, which I kinda understand and know why. But I can get out and go dress up and do it on the weekends, now days though she kinda shows she doesn’t care for me dressing up even though she admits I look better than her in some of my outfits.
        if you want you can look me up on face book and see some of the pics, just look up Joslyn Bloodrose Im the only one under that name. I use it for the Rennissance festivals and was dubbed Lady Joslyn at the Texas Ren. fair
        well I’ll stop here so I’m not writing a book and I hope reading about my experiences kinda helped you out some I know you had a larger girl sit on you and all but still, we both had a bad experience in one but The point is some things happen purely for a learning experience and that may have been what you were meant to learn out of. Even if it was something that kept you from going back into that certain group. I just hope you have better experiences ^_^ and hey if you want to hear about the other stories Feel free to ask. I ended up being a cheer leader my last 2 years of high school, without my fathers noticing. that was a trip.
        talk to you again soon, and good luck with you ๐Ÿ™‚ XXX

      2. Some people believe the silliest things and it’s one of my major bug bears with a lot of organised religions! I saw your page when I clicked on your name, usually it links to a page on here but it sent me straight to your facebook does that mean you don’t write on here? I think people would be really interested in your experiences! It’s such a shame that you’ve had to halt your change it must be hard. I know my friend really enjoyed being a drag queen and she became a show girl for a while too but like you everythings on hold for a while for them as well. Good luck with you too ๐Ÿ™‚ xox

      3. I honestly am non religious because all of the silly things that religions try and believe in, and there’s things I do not wish to agree on with a majority of them ^_^ I normally don’t write on here but have found it now and have been looking at making my on page on here, ya I linked it to my FB page for now so people can head there and still contact me.
        Im hopping to get into a good job here soon so I can one get some things updated like my computer as well as get going in the changes that I want to do. one of my biggest things is I would love to get rid of the facial hair and hair on my arms. thats going to take some time though but also found that they wont grow in so thick and dark once I get going on the hormone treatment.

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