I had a flashback this morning and I’ve tried to start writing this so many times but I keep distracting myself from it…it’s not a fun memory.
I was a Brownie, for those of you that don’t know Brownies are the younger version of Girl Guides a part of the Scouting movement. I joined them as soon as I was old enough and we met every week to do crafts, play games and earn badges.
Snazzy uniforms hey? I can’t find a picture here of me in mine they’re all at my parents so I snaffled this from a woman who has written a history of the Girl Guide movement.
I joined with three girls from my school, the same three who ended up swapping friendships every two minutes and excluding me then including me then teasing me….well you get the idea, they didn’t help with my people issues.
Ok so the memory….I’m babbling because my mind is struggling with finding a way to let me type up this draft.
It was a normal meeting as far as I remember and we were playing a game that involved us all running around the church hall chasing each other before we settled down to some crafting.
Somehow I ended up on the floor lying face down with M a girl twice my size from the year above me sat on my back. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t throw her off and I was screaming for help. M was laughing and the other girls around us were too, they found it hilarious that she had pinned me and I was struggling to get out from underneath her. I craned my head around to find the Leaders shouting for them to help me with tears streaming down my face but they were stood at the other end of the hall chatting amongst themselves.
Finally M had obviously had enough fun and got off my back and only then did the leaders notice there was something wrong, one of them had walked back into the room and seen me on the floor in tears. I remember trying to run out of the door to see if my dad was still there as he had not long since dropped me off and being brought back into the room. I begged them to call my parents to come and get me but in those days not many people had mobile phones and they didn’t want to use the Church phone if it wasn’t an emergency. I ended up having to stay for the rest of the meeting, moving to another ‘Six’ or group so I wasn’t with M and avoiding her as much as possible even though they made her apologise.
The memories surrounding this event are sketchy but little snippets come through.
The end of the meeting came and my dad picked me up with me telling him what had happened as we walked down the hall to the outside and into the car.
When we got home either I or my dad must have told my mum and she sped off back to the church hall to speak to the Leaders.
She told them I was no longer coming to Brownies.
I was due to go on the first ever weekend away that our Brownie group had gone on and I was devastated, my child mind didn’t want to accept that she had done what was best for me and I tried desperately to convince her to let me go.
I never went back to Brownies after that, I never finished the badges I had planned and yet again I had ended up becoming segregated from that group of girls.
I became an honorary cub as my mum was the Akela of the cub pack (the leader) and in those days girls couldn’t join them properly. I helped out with the pack for years until I became too busy with other things.
Thinking about this memory has made me feel like I’m suffocating all over again but it comes without bidding every so often as much as I wish it wouldn’t.
I have no idea how to get over this memory other than trying to augment it in my mind and well that feels like lying to myself which I do enough as it is.