It works as a neurotransmitter in the body, binding to adrenergic receptors found all over the body and is essential to the proper function of many systems.
BUT it is my nemesis.
It works too well, it over does things and I end up shaking, feeling sick, hyperventilating, having hearth palpitations and generally feeling like I’m going to pass out and die.
Adrenaline is my nemesis and I will learn to fight it again.
I knew that what I was suffering with was panic attacks from the start because I had studied them. I never assumed I was dying unlike many who begin with these horrible instruments of physiological torture, I knew that it was my body rebelling against me in yet another way.
So why did I decide to write about this today? The simple reason…I’ve been having them this morning.
I organised last night to meet up with my friend Louise today. We were going to go into the city centre to have coffee, shop and generally moan at each other as always to try and put the world to rights. Usually we organise to do this in the middle of the week when it is quieter because neither of us deal with crowds that well. Me because of my social anxiety and she because of her Aspergers syndrome, we understand each other and have been friends for about 10 years now since we met on our degree course at University.
Since I woke up this morning, this meeting has been running through my head. The bad thoughts have been running through my head and that damn Cheshire cat (as I have dubbed my anxiety) is writhing around in my stomach. I couldn’t get the bus into town, I would be alone and it would take too long. I couldn’t think where I would be able to park if I took my car and even with my Blue badge the spaces would be few and far between as so many people would be trying to park today. What if I drove down the wrong road and got another ticket? I knew a couple of disabled spaces but they are intermingled with the bus only/bus and taxi/all access roads that are so confusing. I couldn’t remember any other spaces and the council website has removed the map of where the others are. I could see the crowds in my head, those swarms of people like a disturbed ant hill that has been kicked open. Waves of people flowing down the streets of Leeds, those pedestrianised zones that mean there is no break in the masses as they all walk in their own little worlds ignoring the others around them.
I’ve cancelled meeting her. I was honest with her as to why and Louise understands. If it was someone else then I would have probably made myself do it and hated every minute of it from the moment I left my house, but because I know she gets it..I feel safe to tell her I just can’t do it.
But now…I hate myself for giving in to this bloody chemical, to the Cheshire cat that undulates in my abdomen. I hate that I have given in to them both and their evil little voices that worm their way through my mind.
Anxiety…the bane of my life. For some reason when I am working I can dissociate from it and become someone else. I can change from being Mel the anxiety Queen, to Mel the Support worker cool calm and collected.
Instead of seeing my friend today I will probably end up going into work to perform my HASEC duties.
Yes I’m barmy, nuts, crazy…and I have learnt to embrace it to some extent…but this part I will never be able to accept as part of my life. I’ll take some solace in the fact I’m not as bad as Lenore though!