I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it.
Anxiety through the roof while I was waiting was to be expected, struggling with the stairs because I hadn’t warned them that I could really do with a ground floor room…well that was my own daft fault. But walking into the therapy room to find a big room with a load of plants, a couple of pretty standard NHS chairs and a therapy couch?? I thought those went out with the ark!
As strange as that it was how the actual session went and what I’m gathering from the little snippets he gave me that worries me. It’s not got any bearing on the CBT that I had before, there is no specific pathway that we will follow, no guidance along the way other than what comes from me. It’s going to be just me, him, that room and the thoughts in my head and that scares the shit out of me.
There was too much silence in that room today, too much silence in my head. It was like all the voices in my mind knew what was going on and were sitting in the back of my head watching through my eyes, wary and silent except for the odd little murmur from one of them along the lines of ‘well this is bullshit, this won’t help you’
I think what scared me the most was how well he could read me, from the questionnaire I had filled in and the few things I did manage to talk about he seemed to know far too much.
How on earth am I supposed to get anything out of this Freudian style talking therapy when those parts of me that have such control won’t let me talk, even if they will let me talk how on earth will it help me? I said I’d give it a chance and come back again in a week but I’m really not sure how helpful this whole thing will really be.
He told me that he doesn’t know that much about other therapies…so how can I get onto a different style if this really doesn’t suit me? How can I get onto something like DBT? Or since I’ve had CBT will they not put me into it?
I guess I should be glad that I’m not in group therapy, I really can’t see that working for me from the things I’ve heard from people who’ve done it. I’d have to learn to speak about myself in front of more people, I’d have to be able to trust a group that would likely change on a regular basis as people finished their allotted time or gave up…it’s going to be hard enough to open up to one person never mind 6 or 7.
Here’s hoping the next session goes better (with less tears) and he can give me some form of guidance about what to speak about because just having silence on the other side of the room is not going to help me open up…not when I didn’t feel that uncomfortable being silent in there looking out the window….I quite enjoyed the silence in my head to be honest it’s been so long since that happened!