First psychotherapy session

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I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it.

Anxiety through the roof while I was waiting was to be expected, struggling with the stairs because I hadn’t warned them that I could really do with a ground floor room…well that was my own daft fault. But walking into the therapy room to find a big room with a load of plants, a couple of pretty standard NHS chairs and a therapy couch?? I thought those went out with the ark!

As strange as that it was how the actual session went and what I’m gathering from the little snippets he gave me that worries me. It’s not got any bearing on the CBT that I had before, there is no specific pathway that we will follow, no guidance along the way other than what comes from me. It’s going to be just me, him, that room and the thoughts in my head and that scares the shit out of me.

There was too much silence in that room today, too much silence in my head. It was like all the voices in my mind knew what was going on and were sitting in the back of my head watching through my eyes, wary and silent except for the odd littleย murmurย from one of them along the lines of ‘well this is bullshit, this won’t help you’

I think what scared me the most was how well he could read me, from the questionnaire I had filled in and the few things I did manage to talk about he seemed to know far too much.

How on earth am I supposed to get anything out of this Freudian style talking therapy when those parts of me that have such control won’t let me talk, even if they will let me talk how on earth will it help me? I said I’d give it a chance and come back again in a week but I’m really not sure how helpful this whole thing will really be.

He told me that he doesn’t know that much about other therapies…so how can I get onto a different style if this really doesn’t suit me? How can I get onto something like DBT? Or since I’ve had CBT will they not put me into it?

I guess I should be glad that I’m not in group therapy, I really can’t see that working for me from the things I’ve heard from people who’ve done it. I’d have to learn to speak about myself in front of more people, I’d have to be able to trust a group that would likely change on a regular basis as people finished their allotted time or gave up…it’s going to be hard enough to open up to one person never mind 6 or 7.

Here’s hoping the next session goes better (with less tears) and he can give me some form of guidance about what to speak about because just having silence on the other side of the room is not going to help me open up…not when I didn’t feel that uncomfortable being silent in there looking out the window….I quite enjoyed the silence in my head to be honest it’s been so long since that happened!

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11 thoughts on “First psychotherapy session

  1. I’m so sorry it turned out to be this way. I don’t think I would ever be able to get comfortable in a room such as that either. Maybe it will become a little bit more familiar after a few visits sweetie xx

    1. It was quite a big room as well which put me a little on edge…I’m used to my clutter filled rooms at home ๐Ÿ˜ณ I hope you’re right though and I can get used to it and him, it can’t have been that bad though or I would have run away ๐Ÿ™‚ xox

  2. This sounds so much like my beginning with S I just had to comment!! … No clear guidance and just talking… it’s definitely not for everyone and I would have wished that…but never mind.
    I hope you can try it out for a while and see if you’re okay with this method. I’m sure he knows what to do and if you’re able to trust him, why not? Isn’t there this study that says that it’s not so much the methodology people benefit from but rather the therapeutic relationship in general? In any case, I agree with Lala… it just takes a lot of time to grow accustomed to each other and stuff. I’m sure you can manage this if you’re comfortable with him. Take care xx

    1. and let’s ignore all my struggles with S ๐Ÿ™„ lol. I’m sure it wasn’t because of his method ๐Ÿ˜‰ It was because I suck at talking (and that wasn’t due to the method).

      1. That’s one of the things he picked up on straight away…that I’m not good at talking face to face other than about the surface topics, but as he said that’s why I need to be there and the fact I can talk to my friends on the phone about difficult things means there’s some hope for this therapy. I feel more comfortable with him than I did with my last therapist already so you never know there’s a chance that it might work ๐Ÿ™„
        I hope you’re both right, thank you hun xoxox

  3. Give it some time beautiful, you can’t expect yourself to open up to a perfect stranger straight away.
    Perhaps you could think of some things that are relatively ‘safe’ to speak about for next time, and this may get conversations started – perhaps your history, or what’s happening at work, or even your relationship with Toby, or your writing. Anything to start conversation and start building rapport.
    Even ask about the room, perhaps he didn’t choose the decor. (It does sound a bit scary though).
    Also, sometimes we need to tell our therapist what we need, as in the guidance you mentioned – he needs to get to know you too and is probably a little nervous too. I’ve been told therapists are only human, after all! ๐Ÿ™„
    Hope you have a peaceful day xox

    1. The picture of Freud creeps me out and I told him so lol. I’m hoping that next time I’ll be a little more relaxed now I’ve met him once…that’s a good idea though I’ll have a think about things that should be easy to bring up…Toby sounds like a good plan ๐Ÿ˜› We did manage to chat a little bit about gardening when I brought up the plants but my mind stalled a little again after that. Human…hmm that’s the problem…if he was a dog I’d be fine! ๐Ÿ™„
      I’ve had my first day back at work today after my annual leave…wouldn’t say peaceful but not too bad, thank you for this message hun it really helps to hear from people who’ve been there and know how hard it is xox

  4. Perhaps you can do some enquiring about him next session, to help you feel a bit more comfortable…. what his career path looked like, how he likes to work in therapy, whether he engages the client in a conversation or does the old free association all session… that sort of thing. You’re going to be getting to know him as him you. It shouldn’t be all on your shoulders to open up without him doing a little too. xx

    1. Thank you hun that’s a good idea, free association with no conversation at all will be seriously hard! I need something to help trigger off memories with my brain so sluggish. I hope you’re ok Xox

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