I told her

I told my Mother how much she terrified me when I was younger, that there are still moments when she’s angry that she scares me.

scared child

The look of disbelief on her face said it all to me. That a woman who prides herself in taking care of children didn’t recognise her influence on her own children and those around her.

Yes I spent my childhood hiding from that anger, that rage that escaped whenever I did something wrong, it’s why I’m so good at spotting “dangerous” emotions in others. No, when I couldn’t look her in the eyes it was not that I was being disrespectful, it was that I was terrified to lift my head and if I looked in her eyes I would shake. I still do when in a high pressure situation where I feel obliged to look people in the eyes, my body quivers and I can’t control it.

scared chils

So I remember only being hit by her twice, that does not mean the relationship was good. Did she not realise that when I couldn’t come to her with my problems? when I acted out as a child by stealing sweets from the local shop (the dog dobbed me in) the fact I wrote to a magazine (and got the answer back in the post which they found out) for answers I should have been able to go to my mother for. They didn’t know that I tried to run away as a small child, I packed a bag with teddys and books, but only made it 50 metres down the road before a farmer spotted me and made me walk back beside his tractor to our house (yes I lived in that sort of village).

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That I was sick from the amount of alcohol I consumed, at home, alone, before they got back from work more than once. Anyone who has had someone do that near them will know the difference and spot it, but not my family until I was passed out in it on my bed.

She’s surprised at the fact my sisters children want to be close to her, now I may not like my sister but there’s nothing shocking to me that she’s trying to not be our mother. I don’t know what she’s like with them in general because I do not see them unless it’s a family gathering but I don’t see fear in them when they approach her.

I know how to calm her in general now, she knows I speak sense, I can often talk her down when I know she’s in the wrong. But it will not be my life, my duty to do that. I almost feel it should be, that I should be there to stop her showing that rage to others, to protect them from it and her from herself but I will not, for the sake of my own sanity what’s left of it.

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2 thoughts on “I told her

  1. I have so many things to say to this. Your pain resonates with me as I grew up in a situation which was similar in so many ways, but also very different. I am so glad that you are old enough and wise enough to be able to look at your past subjectively, and have the insight to understand what happened and the effect it had on you. That is the first step to recovering, and being able to keep a safe distance from the toxicity she creates in your life.

    Thank you for this post. x

    1. Thank you, I still panic that somehow this will get back to her. I ran a check list in my head to figure out the possibility and outcomes…decided I needed to say it somewhere and this was the safest place. I’m always glad when what I say resonates with someone though it often saddens me that it does over something like this. xx

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