Tough

It’s been a tough month, at the end of a tough year, the culmination of a tough decade. Tough is the only word I can think of to describe it, a word I say to people when they complain about things they can’t do anything about (including myself).

tough
tʌf/
adjective
adjective: tough; comparative adjective: tougher; superlative adjective: toughest
  1. 1.
    (of a substance or object) strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or rough handling.
    “tough rucksacks for climbers”
  2. 2.
    able to endure hardship or pain.
    “she was as tough as old boots”
    • having the confidence and determination to cope in difficult situations.
      “he liked editors who were tough enough to make the grade”
    • difficult and requiring determination or effort.
      “we have six tough matches in a row”
    • used to express sympathy with someone in a difficult situation.
      “Poor kid. It’s tough on her”
  3. 3.
    demonstrating a strict and uncompromising approach.
    “police have been getting tough with drivers”
    • used to express a lack of sympathy with someone.
      “I feel the way I feel, and if you don’t like it, tough”

verb

informal
verb: tough; 3rd person present: toughs; gerund or present participle: toughing; past tense: toughed; past participle: toughed
  1. 1.
    endure a period of hardship or difficulty.

One thing has become clear  as I fight for my health, my mind, my ability to live a “normal” life. In order to do that you have to be”tough” and I’m not always sure that I am, today is one of those days.

How long can I be tough enough to fight this without becoming so tough I don’t let anyone or anything near me? I’m already on my way, I have pulled away from friends and family, become resigned to not having children, given up on the idea that I will find love. It’s a defence mechanism yes, but I know from experience that defence mechanisms can then become the problem.

granny starsI’m Granny Weatherwax, grumpy, alone, refusing help, stomping around in my big boots and I’m not ashamed to be like her. She cares about the world, the people in it and how things “should be”, yes when you first meet her in Terry Pratchett’s discworld she seems cold and unforgiving but look under that shell and you will see her heart. I hope that I’m the same and that people who matter see me rightly.

I was devastated in one of the last books Terry wrote when Esme passed away, changing her “I aten’t dead” card to “I is Probly dead” and prepared everything for her funeral (I’ll be doing this soon).

The world is slowly slipping into madness, I don’t have magic to help it but then most of the time the witches didn’t use it, they just made people see sense.

 

In the past I have suffered with paranoia about the world I live in and this week, even with medication that helps with it, I’m struggling.

How can I be in a world where an entire nightclub is shot up by idiots who have a problem with gay people?
How could a woman MP be killed, stabbed and shot a couple of miles from me in broad daylight?
People trying to attack women walking their dogs to hurt them and steal the animals for whatever reason.
Refugees still trying to escape from war torn countries being victimised and turned away by countries because of racism and religious persecution.
Then to top it all off my country is full of people so willing to believe lies and scaremongering about our continent that they voted to leave a community that was set up to foster positive relationships between countries.
Oh and not to forget the Prime minister quitting when he lost the fight leaving us leaderless and with a choice of nothing but idiots to replace him (yes he was an idiot but at least he was in charge).

eu4real_goodbye_eu_sad-700x350Now don’t get me wrong, I know the EU was faulty, it is being run badly by people we have no say in. But leaving it rather than trying to fix it from within, makes little sense. I wasn’t going to rant about the why’s and wherefores of the whole Brexit calamity and I won’t (I’m no economics or politics specialist), so let me leave it by saying I’m very scared by the whole thing.
This country is run by rich, overpaid, upper/middle class pompous idiots. The world is run by the same and the USA’s presidential elections coming up are another little bundle of “what the F**K!?”

I’m ready to give up on fighting, what’s the point in my buying a house that’s better suited to my declining health? Soon if our government gets it’s own way I won’t be able to afford health care anyway and I’ll end up plummeting down the MS rabbit hole faster than I have since I was diagnosed 9 years ago.

save-our-nhsWhat’s the point in trying to get my medication levelled out to balance the side effects against the benefits, if I won’t be able to afford them anyway?

I joked about it on Friday, but if this really happens and we leave the EU, what will Scotland do? More than half of my family is up there, will they leave Britain? Should I move up to be near them so I won’t need a passport to visit them in the future. There’s the added bonus that the politicians up there at least seem to understand the importance of keeping their population healthy; so have fought to keep their bit of the NHS running as it should and hopefully will keep doing it.

My response to all these questions for myself…..

“Tough! it’s the way your life is now swallow hard, get your head on straight and stop feeling sorry for yourself”

If anyone else says it to me I’d likely rip their head off, but I have to tell myself something like this and remind myself to keep fighting.

How much longer I can believe my own prompting to keep trying I don’t know. I had to quit my last job because I couldn’t physically cope and am now working with my family (which I don’t know if I can cope with mentally). My body is proving less tough than I want to admit though I keep trying to use mind over matter to make it so.

I need something, anything that will make this world seem less dark. If I send out a plea to the Universe in general I can hope something will show that there is light at the end of this ever growing sewage outlet that is the world.

Please? I’m sick of having to be tough!!

dear life

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